radio

things have been kind of rough for me emotionally. i'm under a lot of stress with my work and the fact that i have at least 18-20 monts of work to do to do and only 11 months to complete it in. i've also had to deal with a lot of loss lately and all of that is magnified when you're reminded you never really had a strong support system around you except for the one you built with friends. but then that friend has a life and a family of her own and can't be expected to take on the burden of you never having a support system from your family.

and i think it's why i've always found myself turning to music. throughout my entire life. i've escaped into it, it's found words for me i never had, it's lifted me up, it moves me, it motivates me, it wrecks me, it takes me out of my own head.

some artists are literally my muses, i can't even think about painting or drawing without them.

and so i'm always astonished when a song randomly comes on the radio, one that i haven't heard in such a looooooong time and it just nails down exactly what you're feeling, the words, the music, everything is spot on.

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear my crown of s**t
On my liar’s chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

killing myself one digit at a time

for some reason lately i've been whacking the shit out of my fingers for various reasons but with consistently painful results.

a month ago i smashed my right "ring" finger in my best friend's defective patio chair excising a significant chunk of meat

two and a half weeks ago i sliced the very top of my left thumb off while making dinner because my sister is having her daughter baptized mormon and the deacons were there explaining the mysticism of mormonism to her. as they said, before we're born we're with god and we know everything in the universe there is to know and then when we're born god puts a veil over our eyes so that we don't know that we know everything. i look up with a look of disbelief and it's all i can do to bite my tongue and not say "well, then i guess donald rumsfeld is mormon" when my knife comes down to separate my body from my thumb tip. blood in the salad. lots of it. gran said god was punishing me. i punished her by allowing her to find the thumb tip in her salad.

what?

over the last week i've been polishing otoliths mounted on glass slides and slowly the sides of the slides are slicing away at the outside tip of my right thumb. and then while gazing at an otolith under the microscope i try to turn it around to look at it from another angle and the little bit of water between the glass base and the glass slide has adhered the slide and i think oh just force it a little. i'm here to tell you don't do that.

then finally yesterday in an altogether brilliant move i manage to lodge a very very very very sharp exacto blade deeeeeeeeep into my left index finger and it happens so fast i don't realize at first how deep it is until i bend my index finger and this half inch cut opens up to expose the edge of the thick dermis and the bloody, bumpy interior tissues. i never go to the doctor, but when my friend T looked at me wide-eyed and said, maybe you should go to the health center? i did not fight but merely followed her with a blood soaked towel wrapped around my hand.

so now that i have a SHITLOAD of work to do i have managed to incapacitate the head soldier of my WRITING and drawing hand.

thank god i masturbate with the right...

girl of my dreams

so i'm driving home from work on sunday afternoon and i'm behind this ford focus (and a bunch of other cars - it's a windy country road). we all come to a stop sign and for the first time i can read her license plate frame which says:
"IF YOU'RE RIDING MY ASS
YOU BETTER BE PULLING MY HAIR"

so i pulled her over, fucked her and then married her










well, actually i called my friend bugg and said i was going to do that...cuz i'm a giant chickenshit.

D.E.B.S.

not the greatest movie in the world, but well worth the eye candy



and the best eye candy isn't even on the cover



purrrrrrrrrrrrrr

and yes i cried when she came on screen.

see, crying at everything...

anyway, that's jordana brewster, and like hugh hefner, i've decided i just can't have one girlfriend so i'm adding her to my harem. raven-haired darkskin beauties, eat'em up YUM!

and not to toootally pan the movie but when it first started i thought the dialog SUCKED ASS. then i realized they were going for camp and it took them awhile to get that rhythm. and i loved the premise that they were supposed to be surveilling jordana's character as she meets a russian assassin thinking they were planning world domination when in fact it was a blind date.

i loved that because it was just there, not a lot of fanfare. just simply on a blind date with another woman and the issue was over the awkwardness of blind dates and not the lesbianism. that was cool.

and there were kisses. between girls. not overly sexy but, well, i'm easy. it was material...if you knowwhati'msayin....

don't know what's wrong with me

been crying alot

over seemingly stupid things. i was crying alot with the new orleans footage. i'd cry when i'd come home and my dog wouldn't come out to greet me and for a split second i would wonder why and then i'd cry when i remembered...

cried during the last three to four movies i watched (and they were not cry-y movies).

i have this feeling of being more "lost" than usual. i don't know how to explain it.

i guess i'll just drink more beer

omg it's october already

i'm so screwed

that's all

thankyouverymuch