i think i just came

i'm supposed to be working but i'm futzin' around the internet looking at when shakira's new new album is going to come out and if she's going on tour and i'm on her webpage and i see they've added all her previous albums and that when you go to the most recent album "fijacion oral vol. 1" there are two new videos you can watch. so i watched "no" the new one and then it hits me. i wonder if they have videos for her previous albums because for years, years, i've been looking for the video to "inevitable" off of the "donde estan los ladrones" album. i've searched all over the internet, i've bought every video disc available, to no avail.

until now

it's there. it's only part of it but oh.my.god. it's enough. it all just comes flooding back the time i was in mexico, watching t.v. and this video comes on and i'm immediately, immediately enamored with whoever this is. and then i think, "oh my god, i think i really might be gay."

and then 4 months later i hook up with my first girlfriend, in the same mexican town, working at the same office, we'd been really good friends for two years, and this album is the soundtrack to our entire love affair. it was magnificent. we would listen to it everywhere, in her car, in my truck, making love. when we were driving she would lean over and whisper-sing in my ear along with her..."te regalo mis silencios, te regalo mi nariz, yo te doy hasta mis huesos, pero quedate aqui, porque eres tu mi sol, la fe con que vivo, la potencia de mi vos, los pies con que camino, eres tu amor" it would knock all the wind out of me i loved her so much and to hear her sing this to me.

of course, then she ended the relationship, and i went back to the states, broke (i'd just spent all my money moving in with her, living with her, and the rest on her kids' big birthday party), broken hearted, and completely unable to listen to the album for about 2 years without breaking down and sobbing uncontrollably.

good times.

i think i'm going to spend the day watching that ten second clip over and over overoveroverover and over

whoda thunk?

so i'm well over 3,000 hits.

and apparently the majority of hits over the last month have been searching for any of the following: kendra, naked, holly, naked, bridget, naked, playboy, naked. of all the movies, shows, or albums that i've talked about here, apparently this is the most googleworthy.

most of the url's they're coming from are universities. which means that right now the majority of my hits are coming from 18-24 year old males who should be doing their homework...

that is if you don't count the freakin' dot GOV's!!! that's right, people in our gov't buildings in DC are googling for pics of hef's girlfriends naked. nice.

but, if any of you are hot chicks, googling for pics of hot chicks, well, then please call me...

how did i not know...

i was listening to my ipod mini on shuffle and i was reminded of a conversation i had in mexico with my research buddy. i can't remember how, but i came out to him pretty early in the trip. it wasn't a big deal, it happened really casually, i think talking about relationships and it came up. and at some point i also had told him my first relationship with a woman was when i was thirty years old.

i had brought my radio and my cd's and when we were working outdoors of the hotel i most likely was playing music. pretty much the same music i have loaded on my ipod: tori amos, bjork, nelly furtado, shakira, paulina rubio, alanis morrissette, etc. which is what made me think of it.

one day, towards the end of the trip, i was listening to the new tori amos "the beekeeper" for the umpteenth million time when B finally says to me, "so, uuummmm, do you have any 'boy' music? you know like men singers?"

"well, yeah, i have morrissey, erasure..."

*roll eyes* "ok, so tell me again how you didn't know you were gay?"

i fell out. *sigh* "i don't know dude. i.just.don't.know."

she said she thought i'd hear it on the machine

Monkey and I have known each other four years now. It’s been in the last year or so that we’ve been discussing how we go our different ways. It’s hard to talk about but it had come down to the point of how would it work anyway. She’s never coming over here like we thought and she wants kids and I don’t. no matter how much she tried to convince me. I guess I figure, I’d done that. I had a lot of responsibility as a little kid taking care of my little sisters and trying to keep my stepdad from beating the crap out of us, or worse. It’s like I’m finally getting my chance at life doing what I want for myself. I had known that there was another gal more local to her that she met in another city. This other girl liked her and monkey apparently liked her back. Monkey’s been having problems with her arms with carpal-tunnel like syndromes but noone could diagnose her and she was getting frustrated not getting help and not being able to work or design on the computer. Then she told me she was moving to the city and she would be staying with her friend, K, for the first week and then looking for a place to stay. Well, I just found out the other day that she’s living with this other girl. Not WITH her but in a room in her flat. She didn’t tell me that. And of course I was a bit upset to learn that, that she didn’t tell me before she left even though she had a pretty good idea that this was going to happen. When I found that out I said “I didn’t know that. Why didn’t you tell me that?” She said “I thought you heard it on the machine.” I can’t even tell how much that hurt. That the one person in the world who I thought was so different than anyone else, someone so trustworthy, someone I let in to my life and my heart like noone else would do something so ordinary and sneaky. I had called to wish her a happy birthday and got a machine. I couldn’t even understand the outgoing message let alone the names that were supposedly on it and I even left a message saying “I hope I dialed the right number, I’m trying to reach monkey. Have her give me a call if she gets this message.” She called me back and I sang her happy birthday and she said you’re the first person to wish me happy birthday and we were talking more and I asked her if she was still at K’s house and she said no. and I said oh you found a place really quick and that’s when I find out she’s living in a room in this B’s flat. I felt crushed. I can’t even explain it. I guess I have no right because I knew we were just going to be friends but I never thought monkey of all people would be like other people. I really still expected her to be honest with me. I’m so much more hurt by the fact that she didn’t tell me before when she knew the whole time rather than hoping I would find out through the MACHINE. I probably shouldn’t be crying over this but I am. I can’t help it. And now I don’t even have my damn dog to go talk to and cry on her shoulder.

So I’ve been gone awhile...busybusybusy... I’ve been working and getting ready for a conference so I’ve been a bit behind. I don’t know why but when I’m working around the house I like to have the t.v. on to have some noise in the background. I should know that when things are on cable they will most likely be on three to four more times and I was right. Not that it’s my favorite show, but since I wrote about it before I had planned on trying to keep watching “The Girls Next Door” and I hadn’t been able to since I’d been so busy. So they had three shows in a row on E and man oh man, whoever anonymous is that posted awhile ago was DEAD ON with Kendra and her donkey bray laugh. What an idiot! They had one show where there was some fighting event at the mansion and Hef’s old girlfriend, Barbi Benton, comes to visit. There’s all kinds of people around and Kendra and the girls lean out of the balcony to shout down to people and Kendra points across the yard at this “hot guy” and it’s a FUCKING mannequin! Of course, I love how the cameramen NAIL her on it. Then she does the SAME thing like three or more times to the same FUCKING mannequin! Yikes what an idiot. And everytime she realizes it’s a mannequin she does her donkey bray laugh. Stupidity should be painful.

granny

the other day i was in the bathroom taking a dump when my gran comes busting in to get something. she said "show off!" and i said "you barged in on ME!"

she said, "i wish i could crap without ripping my butthole"

i said, "i wish i had a grandma that doesn't say 'crap without ripping my butthole!'"