oh for fuck's sake

unbelievable.

here i thought my orals exam would be the most difficult thing i would have to endure regarding my project this year.

i was wrong.

the beaurocratic nonsense is much worse. and much more expensive. this day just keeps getting worse and worse and i'm not sure how much more of this i can take. the shit that i hate the most is that i have given people information, have talked FREELY about my plans and my site and what i want to do and even had people ASSISTING me in purchasing certain things and now that i've bought the fucking boat now they're like, oh that boat won't work. we can't approve your plan with that boat. oh no. not safe. and i feel like i'm getting sandbagged because it's NOT LIKE THEY DIDN'T HAVE THE FUCKING INFO BEFORE

it's not like i was hiding shit from them and was hoping htey wouldn't notice...it's been full fucking disclosure this whole time. and now someone comes in (a friend) says, well, they don't feel like you're communicating with them. and i lost it. fucking lost it. i said do you want to see the fucking emails i've sent them? with ALL the fucking info? they're fucking liars

ack

so fucking pissed right now.

how does this feel?

i don't know.

i passed.

i fucking passed. i still can't believe i can say those words.

it's so hard to explain. part of me is delirious. part of me is happy. part of me is numb. part of me is in shock. relieved, tired, frustrated...

and i don't think i could ever fully explain how scared i was going in. and i know that the fact that i passed, and the comments by people, "oh we knew you would pass" i still find that hard to believe. i mean, i had to pass. i had to. not passing would have destroyed me. i couldn't imagine a life not doing what i do now. and that scares me. i have worked so hard for so long to get to this point that at this point to lose it would be too much for me to handle. and i think (ok, i KNOW - because other people are going to call me on that!) i focused more on that, than on my own abilities.

i don't know why i do that. but i'm not sure it's something that i can fix right now. i want to fix it, and i guess right now i'm feeling very cognizant of it. and i think this experience has taught me alot.

seriously.

so fucking cliche, but seriously. not just the exam, but studying for the exam, and interacting with some really great people who were really pulling for me. i honestly don't think i could have done as well without them. and that's important too. because i've done all this shit on my own. for years. and for a long time i thought that that, in and of itself, was an accomplishment, and it is. but i also realized it put quite a chip on my shoulder.

anyway, i have more thoughts on this. but i'm tired and i have to go to a seminar. and then i'm going home to sleep. and i can sleep without nightmares of impending doom. i'm hoping i can sleep like someone who is very proud of themselves. but i haven't achieved that status for myself yet. i'm too scared to embrace it yet. afraid of the other shoe dropping...like i always think it's going to. i'm very good at my "job" i just need to be better at working on myself.

numb with despair

and then panic

and then numb again

it's 9 pm. less than 18 hours away from my exam. i'm feeling scared and panicked and numb.

this almost feels like too much. and i don't know if i've done enough. when i practice, i skip, i stall, i stammer, i lose words. words like "the" and "random" and "common"

how the hell am i supposed to remember "geographic mosaic of coevolution" or "island biogeography equilibrium theory" or "pharyngeal jaw?"

i honestly don't know what i will do if i don't pass.

testing

hee

ok well monkey is drunk

at least, i'm convinced she is.

of course i can't post the audio from our phone conversation, and i'm not sure i could really relay the text of our convo because...well, she's insane

and now

i'm going to sleep

5 more days

i took a practice orals last night and man, i'm doing better than i was before but still, this is going to be arduous. i keep reminding myself i'm on the homestretch here and that this will be the most difficult thing i have to do for my phd. tuesday it will all be over and i can breath a sigh of relief and move on with getting the rest of my project together and swimming with fishies.

but right now, i must work and hang on.

just
hang
on

I'VE BEEN INFILTRATED!

hmmmm, after my last horoscope post, i'm a bit suspicious that my baby has infiltrated my HOMETOWN NEWSPAPER and written my horoscope for today. which reads:

TAURUS - Today is a 7 - Staying out late partying could get you into trouble, and besides, you'd be going through lots of dough. Take safety precautions.

WTF?

noone, and i mean NOONE but her could have written that! lmao

oh i forgot

another time the ad said "sleep apnea" and i FREAKED OUT cuz i have sleep apnea.

and i was like omg

how
did
they
know?

then i realized i had posted something about not sleeping lately...

but STILL! i NEVER said anything about the (dun dun duuuuunnnnn) apnea!

i noticed that ads at the top...

yes, i'm getting a very expensive education and i pride myself on my OBSERVATION skills but i just recently noticed that the ads on the top of this site actually suggest search terms for google and they change.

immediately after my fascination subsided i was embarassed i hadn't noticed it before...

anyway, one time it said EDWARD SCISSORHANDS and i got excited and thought omg i love that movie. then i realized i had BLOGGED about it, well, i made mention of it in one of my posts :rolleyes: and then i got kind of creeped out in the way you're supposed to when reading BIG BROTHER by GEORGE ORWELL.

anyway, what really caught my eye, and this should really exemplify what an absolute freaking dork i am because it said MARINE BIOLOGIST. and i got SO EXCITED and thought omg I'M A MARINE BIOLOGIST!!!

duh

but you know what? that's so cool really. it makes me so happy because i don't make shit for money (right now, my girlfriend reminds me what a great salary i'll make as a professor...lol SMOOCHIE) but i FUCKING LOVE WHAT I DO (when there's not too much bullrocratic bullshit) and i swear when i meet other scientists whose papers i have read then i get more excited than if i was meeting a rock star (unless it was like tori amos or bjork, then well i would melt. and i mean literally melt. just dissolve right there because well really what's the point of living after you've reached that mountain. you've done it all. you're good to go). the point is i'm a dork. and i embrace it! sometimes i wish i had the facility for higher sciences then i could TOTALLY wallow in my geekiness.

and so anyway, while i think the ads are creepy because it lets me know that some entity (computer or person) is scanning my blog besides an anonymous audience and my monkeegirl i love the idea that it "knows" i'm a marine biologist, because maybe someday i'll be someone else's rockstar.

i know i've said this before

but kilgore said it better about this whole gay marriage situation. nicely done little trout.

and btw...how can you not read him? his user name is KILGORE TROUT?

that's so beautiful

and i realize now, i'm going to have to take my kurt vonnegut novels out of their atmosphere controlled glass box (as if!) and let her read them so she'll understand i'm not latching onto the name because his last name is a fish... but only under MY WATCHFUL EYE WILL SHE READ THEM! and i can guarantee she WILL NOT BE EATING FALAFELS WHEN SHE READS THEM!

yes!

you heard me!

no way! noway! NO!WAY!

nofuckingway!

I'M SITTING HERE THINKING ABOUT WHEN MY EXAM IS (8 DAYS!!) AND...AND...AND....OMG MY HEAD STUFFED SNEEZING

SNOT

EVERYWHERE

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I BESEECH YOU!!!!!!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

this just in

hee!

the self-proclaimed "better blog parent" has forgotten her password to this blog

lmao

god i love you baby

and happy MY smoochie day

today's horoscope

TAURUS - today is a 6 - It's lucky that you're so stubborn. You can hold out for what you want. The odds are good taht you'll have to compromise, but you'll still get a better deal.

HA!

hahahahahahaha!

take THAT monkey!

hee...and happy smoochie day baby!

and don't forget that i'm TOUGH!!

food is wasted on little kids

yesterday i came home from working out and i was a bit hungry. i usually don't like to eat breakfast. for some reason i don't get hungry until 10:30 or 11. so i went and worked out and when i got back home it was about time for me to eat before i started shaking.

well, my sister had dropped her youngest, a blonde little boy A, at gran's house so he was there dusting* when i came in. i grabbed a glass of water and there was an open snack size bag of doritos on the counter. gran and i rarely have that kind of stuff around the house so i knew it was something my sister had brought down for A. kids being finicky and all, gran probably opened it up and he didn't want them right then so she put it on the counter.

so, i SNUCK ONE! hee

i popped the chip in my mouth and chewed and thought hmm how long has the bag been sitting open like that? it's kinda stale. but i swallowed it and i then i got in the fridge to get the eggs (mmmmmmmmm peppery cheesy scramble *slurp*).

i put my items down on the counter and went to grab another chip and this one was REALLY stale feeling/tasting. i thought, what the hell? so i turned to gran and said these chips are really stale and she looks up at me and gasps!

"oh no! i was going to tell you not to eat those!"

"why?"

"because A pulled each chip out and licked all the salt off and then put it on the floor..."

this is when the room started to spin and turn black

"so i picked them up and put them on the counter." by this time she's seriously laughing her ass off.

and so then A, of course, in his less than 2 year old mind wants to join in the laughter and he just starts laughing and looking at us for his cue to stop.

well, i'm spitting the chip in the sink and gran is laughing even harder and so A laughs more.

fuckers

* A's dad can be a bit of a close-minded ass. A's older sibling is a GIRL, K, and i mean all cap letters GIRLY GIRL. so, of course, this little boy is going to imitate his sissy, who he adores. and jeebus you redneck a young boy UNDER the age of 2 does not recognize that he is stepping over into faggityland and has now committed his life to wearing flare pants and sucking cock when he plays with sissy and her dolls. so chill the fuck out, YOU'RE the one that's going to give the little boy his complex. sheesh.

so when he's here with "nana" he LOVES to dust! hee. so i always like to point it out to gran. i'll say something like "i'll pay you $50 to put a dress on him and put the duster in his hand when daddy comes to pick him up." hee

today was supposed to be the day

in two hours i was supposed to take my exam.

i feel really strange about it. part of me is relieved i got some more time and part of me is wondering exactly how productive i've been with that extra time. ACK!

i just thought it would be the coolest thing to take it on friday the 13th! but i guess i had to be realistic and acknowledge that i wasn't ready. but like i said, am i working any harder to get ready? frankly, no.

i obviously needed a break. i obviously needed some time to NOT think about the exam but jeebus i gotta buckle down. and i'm not sleeping any better now. i'm having these crazy weird dreams and i'm so goddamn busy in them i don't feel like i've slept at all.

sigh

and now the diving and boating safety board is taking a harder look at my proposal since i sent them more info and a map

STUPID
STUPID
STUPID

now they want me to hire a captain for some of the more remote areas. fuck that. or write me a check. whatever. i'm already $3000 out of pocket on this project and now they just keep coming back with "oh, wait..."

QUIT finding ways to spend what LITTLE MONEY I HAVE LEFT!

maybe i should get back in bed.

HUMAN ANGER BALL ALERT 2

i received this letter from my congressman yesterday:

"Thank you for sharing with me your views regarding a marriage amendment ot the Constitution. It was good to hear from you.

On May 21, 2002 Congresswoman Marilyn Musgrave introduced H.J. Res. 56. This legislation seeks to amend the Constitution of the United States relating to matters of marriage. Specifically, Congresswoman Musgrave wishes to amend the Constitution by inserting the words "Marriage in the United States shall consist only of the union of a man and a woman. Neither this Constitution or the constitution of any State, nor state or federal law, shall be construed to require that marital status or the legal incidents thereof be conferred upon unmarried couples or groups." On July 10, 2003 I joined my colleague as a co-sponsor of this important legislation. The condoning of homosexual marriages undercuts the basice unit of our society and redefines the most basic values of the vast majority of Americans. Shortly after this legislation was introduced, it was referred to the House Committee on the Judiciary.

This legislation has not yet reached the House floor but I assure you that I will continue to monitor its progress and review it diligently when it does. Once again, I thank you for contacting me and please continue to keep me informed of matters of special interest to you.

Sincerely,
John T. Doolittle
United States Representative"

the interesting thing is, i wonder if he even read my email.

i took part in that ridiculous AFA poll and i did enter in my real name and address AND i'm a registered voter. the AFA also had this link where we could email our representatives and senator so i did that. i changed their pre-fab subject line and i wrote an email which i think i posted in this forum earlier.

and that was his response. so it makes me think that they just saw that my email came from that survey and assumed what my views were, or someone read my email and that was his response anyway.

well, i'm definitely writing back. i'm usually not the activist type (unless it involves the environment which in that case, it's my whole life) but even if i never ever nevernever ever planned on getting married, now i'm so fucking pissed that some small-minded group is going to tell me i CAN'T!

fuckers

and i'm sure my arguments here won't be the most original. but i feel the need to go on record saying that not all gay and lesbian people want to get married. but when they make a commitment to another person, combine lives and households they want to feel that can be just as protected as another couple. that they can go to the hospital when their partner is in ICU, or giving birth, or dying, provide basic comforts and support that someone is willing to give to the person they love. to know that if anything happened to them, their "estate" would automatically go to their spouse without the added problems of probate or the state intervening.

as far as the SANCTITY of marriage, besides being a BLATANT mixing of church and state, makes my skin crawl. with all the reality marriage shows, with britney's four hour marriage, with all the celebrity marriages and breakups, with all the jim bakkers, jimmy swaggarts, bill clintons, do not for one fucking second lecture gay and lesbian people about the sanctity of marriage.

and just so everybody knows, i eat pussy like a maniac, and no amount of praying will stop that. although i do hear the word "god" alot when i'm down there...

check out the new terror alert level

too damn funny!

hee

i know my baby can't wait to get to the elmo level. although, i'm a little creeped out by her elmo fascination...or is that fetish?

hee

i love my monkey

hee

i had to say that first cuz i'm gonna tease her here. (oh, and it's true)

so, like many people i jumped on the blogging bandwagon. at first with trepidation but then i thought how cool would it be to just have a place where i can write random things that i would like my monkey to know, or things to make her laugh or things i didn't necessarily want to post on the forum we belong to, etc while we are apart from each other.

and i did just that and it was good. monkey was happy.

except after awhile apparently monkey had become obsessed. i would receive yahoo messages "why haven't you blogged?" "are you going to blog today?" and i would say baby, this is supposed to be a fun thing i enjoy not an assignment.

i invited her to join my blog and for months she didn't accept the invitation but in the meantime she started about 10 blogs, all with the first post and then having forgotten her password, subsequently abandoned them.

well, she finally did accept the invitation to join my blog but AFTER she broke in and posted under my name. yes that's right she broke in like a sly little monkey and posted something. and the only thing that upset me about it was that her post was FUNNIER than mine. the little shit. so then i said hey come on just accept the invitation and post under your own name so that if people are reading they can tell. and she said OTHER PEOPLE ARE READING???.

um, no

noway

and so then i got the sitemeter to see exactly how many times she visits (alot). hee

anyway, she finally makes a post in the forum we belong to saying that people who are far from each other in a relationship should start a blog, they're free blahblahblah. then she says akee and i have a blog and it's such a great thing for communication blahblahblah.

akee and I?

i laughed my ass off when i read that. and then i had to promptly remind her it was MY blog that i invited her to join and that she has abandoned over 100 blogs! and she said (in that wonderfully cute voice with that *sigh* accent) "i'm a better blog parent now akee!"

so apparently another couple from the forum started a blog at her recommendation. i found out later that it wasn't just the post in the forum, that monkey, being the relentless yahooer she is, cajoled them into starting one.

so one day i'm yahooing with one of them and i say, so monkey tells me you guys started a blog and she *sighs* yeah. and i inquired to her sighing and she said well, right after they started she read something that her girlfriend wrote and they proceeded to have the biggest fight they've ever had.

awesome! open and honest communication caused them to RIP EACH OTHER'S THROATS OUT ON THE INTERNET. it took awhile to stop laughing.

so let this be a lesson to you. LIE! ALWAYS LIE!

(hee not me baby. for some reason you have that wonderwoman rope power and i just spill my guts to you)

SMOOCHIE!

apparently i have a reputation

so i arrive at the beautiful beautiful house with the wonderful blue wall in the beautifulbeautiful country with the silence and the tori amos just before my friends leave on their trip. they just wanted to see me and talk about house things. i've housesat for them a million times and i know the drill but it makes S happier to run through the drill again. and then she says to me "thank you so much. i always know everything's going to be ok when it's you sitting."

anyway, they're grabbing their bags and E says "oh we bought a plunger since your last stay. it's in the garage if you plug up the toilet again"

what?

what?

what?

is my face red?

what?

and i'm thinking there's no way they know about my blog NOR about the last toilet killing adventure.

wtf?

so then they both simultaneously say "don't use so much paper" and i'm still reeling from the horror of this realization that i kill toilets at all the places i housesit and i say "well, to be fair i try to save water and not flush everytime, but you don't keep trashcans near the toilet in the back bathroom and...and..."

i give up.

that was a few days ago. i'm thinking about it now because, well, both the toilets are plugged up right now...

i'm going to go pee in the horse pasture.

i learned a very important lesson today

and i'm going to share it with you because i'm generous like that.

here is the lesson that jc chasez taught me while simply driving in my car with the radio on:

Some girls dance with women
Knowing that it gives them attention
I wanna get in with them
So pass me a drink and lets go
(Lets go)

Might have to peel me off the ceiling
I'm like a soda that's been shaken up... boom
I find the playfulness appealing
That cat and mouse chase
On your mark, get ready, go

Send you a drink, see what the deal is
Held up your glass and blew a kiss, and took a sip
When you were finished, back to business
You and your girlfriends group up
This is how you draw them in

isn't that amaaaaaazing!

seriously, because you know what? you wanna know what i thought? yeah, i thought when i go to a club and i danced with my girlfriend that i was on a date with my girlfriend. and here we were really lookin' to get some attenshun mmmmmhmmm girlfriend.

well, in case you couldn't smell that. that was sarcasm.

yeah.

and the song brought up some memories too. and an observation that makes me giggle. the memory is of me with my girlfriend (and no jc, honey she's not my girlbestfriend, she was my love, my heart and some incredibly hot sex. das right!) dancing and men flocking.

now, i probably have to explain that she was hot. and she wasn't hot just because i loved her, she was just hot. and i'm not bigfoot or anything but not her kind of hot. and i was ok with that. but there was one thing that happened when we were dancing that not only confirmed exactly how hot she was but also tells me exactly how in love with her i was.

she.could.not.dance.

at all.

and the men still flocked to her. and i still took her dancing.

because let me tell you. i can dance. i don't mean like choreographed (although get a couple of beers in me and i will pull a fatboy slim/spike jonze 'i praise you' type stunt to whatever song is playing that will make you spit beer AND pee your pants) but i have rhythm, i can get down. and because i lovedlovedloved dancing so much in my twenties that i swore to myself that i would never date a guy (this was back in the days of denial) who could not dance. no way. not me. and so i just assumed that this would carry over to women, but i'd also NEVER been in love.

she could not dance.

at all.

and the men still flocked to her. and i still took her dancing.

HUMAN ANGER BALL ALERT

Ok now i’m really pissed.

First, don’t even get me started on the fact that Arnold actually WON THE FUCKING ELECTION…we’ll stipulate your honor that the thought of this still brings the vein in akee’s forehead to a pulsating ROAR.

Then he repealed the car tax. REPEALED IT. illegally i might add. The day after they did that, some financial hoohah guy is on tv saying i don’t know what we’re going to do. We don’t even have the money in the coffers to reimburse the people that have already paid the triple fees. Ass

Then i get this email saying that Arnold is now going to INCREASE FEES AT THE UNIVERSITIES. MO!@$%^%$ersDKFJA;L KQDLKFJADSLKFJ;ELKC VOITR&*&^%$#@#$%^&ytrewedrfghfd^%$## $%$%^w%$etrfdretwyrter

*ahem*

so let me understand something, the deficit burden falls on STUDENTS and not on the rich fuckers with their Mercedes and their FUCKING HUMMERS????????? WTF?????

Let me tell you as someone who BARELY makes $15k a year as a student. A 35 yr. old who QUIT a good paying job to go back to school and use her powers for good student. So although tripling my car fee would have sucked, when you own a Toyota tercel that SIPS fucking gas and you pay $30-40 to register, tripling that is painful but do-able. But raising my fees that are already in the thousands per quarter by 30% well that fucking hurts. Hella.

Who are the people that pay lots to register their car already? Yeah rich fuckers with rich fucking automobiles or rich fuckers with SUV’s so triple their tax and get some real fucking money in the coffers and quit reducing the number of fucking educated people by making it near impossible for people to attend an institution of higher learning. Also, if you triple the tax on gasHOGGING vehicles then this will discourage people from PURCHASING THOSE VEHICLES. I realize arnie that you have a special jet to commute to sacramento so you’ve never actually DRIVEN around the state, but there are a lot of fucking cars, LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF SINGLE DRIVERS IN BIG FUCKING SUV’s clogging the freeways and choking our environment.

Oh and speaking of the environment, they just put on hold the plans for marine reserve networking for the state because THERE’S NO FUCKING MONEY!!!!!!!!!!

So arnie i have one thing to say to you: FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCK

yeah, definitely on that "no-fly" list now.

sad sad day

well, the fact that i posted the headline "7 DAYS LEFT" or something like that and it was actually 9 days left, well, i should have known it could only end badly.

i met with one of my professors, who to be fair was very kind about the whole thing, and she quizzed me a bit and then informed me that if her subject was "the only subject i needed to refine then i could take the exam in a week. but if i had more subjects to work on, then i should consider postponing."

*sigh*

so i'm postponing. dammit. i feel like i really let myself down. i KNOW this stuff. i just apparently can't talk about it. which is the point of the exam. to show that you know it well enough you could converse about it and eventually teach a class. i've been working so hard and i've put monkey on restricted akee access in order to focus and it's all been for naught. well, not really, i've only postponed for 2 weeks but rescheduling 5 freaking professors again is a nightmare. ack.

of course this morning i woke up and had started my period (stoopid female parts) i felt a little better about bawling my eyes out off and on all day and crying (just tears not crying) in front of the second prof i met that day.

so i'm here house sitting at my friends' house. their beautiful house with the nature and the big windows and the horses and the dogs and the big new beautiful blue wall they painted recently. god that wall makes me so happy. i had planned this house sitting gig because it would allow me 4-5 days without gran screeching on the phone or blasting maury povich, without the phone ringing incessantly, without without without right before the exam.

just me in this beautiful space with large granite counters to spread my work out on.

well, in this turn of recent events i'm wallowing in my wombanhood drinking coffee with tori amos on repeat. i'm going to get through this day with tori's love.

except for "me and a gun." i'm too fragile to listen to that song right now...

what do you think the chances are...

that i could go back to bed and then start this day over?

yeah

didn't think so

7 days and counting...

ok i'm losing my mind.

i showed up at a professor's door at 11 and he looked at me with a huge question mark on his fivehead "aren't we meeting at 1?" and i said i would have sworn it was 11. he shows me the email. i walk out confused and then i run into another professor who says, "are we meeting at 11 or what?" and now i'm not confused i'm freaked because i hadn't prepared for that meeting. i had prepared for my 1 o'clock meeting at 11. i was ready to answer his questions so i had to reschedule the original 11 that i forgot for tomorrow at 3. and don't ask me why cuz i won't have time to prepare for that one then either because i'm meeting with his wife (soon to be ex-wife) tomorrow for her to "assess" me and make a recommendation on whether i should postpone my orals.

so no pressure there

and then i'm meeting with another professor who i've had VERY LITTLE time to prepare for.

and then i have the 11 o'clock moved to 3 o'clock after that.

and speaking of the soon to be ex-wife. wtf? they couldn't wait til after my exam to break up? heh

ok kidding, actually, i'm bummed though they're breaking up. i don't know if it's the whole coming from several broken homes that makes me sad when people break up. well, mostly people i like and think are a good couple. maybe it's cuz i need them to be some sort of role model. like, here's an example of coupledom not going to shit. people not throwing shit or yelling or drunk or violent.

but then the other thing that sucks about it is that you never saw it coming. they're so professional (of course, this could be why...). if my girlfriend worked with me and we broke up...there'd be tears. everywhere. everyday. who am i kidding? when my best friend in high school and i had a major fight and worked together everybody knew, even the freaking customers. of course, i didn't know i was a baby dyke then. i didn't know i was practicing my drama for when i was a full-blown dyke.

i just realized

even after i take my exam, there's no down time! **starts ripping hair**

i've got to get my research trip together, buy a boat, rent a van, buy a motor, hire people, all without the FREAKING MONEY!!. what the hell's up with those people. i opted to have the money given directly to me instead of the university so that i would have the freaking money BEFORE i left for my research and now i still don't have the money and i gotta start buying crap.

AND the permit is going to take 180 days to process. 180 days!! after i get the paperwork in. AFTER. and it has to be in spanish. SPANISH. i speak spanish. hola como esta? donde esta la migra? estoy estudiando cabrilla. not "i am a marine researcher looking at the different life history stages of grouper to determine where they are most vulnerable in order to effectively design marine protected areas" spanish. this fucking thing is 18 pages long. and that's just the FIRST permit. AND it's going to cost $700...that as i've mentioned before...I DON'T HAVE YET. not to mention that 180 days is long AFTER the grouper stop spawning.

why did i want to be a marine ecologist? somebody please remind me...

QUICK!

jeezus look at the date

i knew that resting in between sitting on the toilet between hellacious diarhea attacks would piss me off today. dammit. and i full well know that i even got the maximum amount of work done under the circumstances and it still pisses me off.

no i don't have control issues thankyouverymuch

and i'm feeling all stressed out and god forbid it's quiet around here. no i know that this is going to make me sound like an ungrateful jackass because i'm living here for basically free but do you have to make me feel like a hostage to you? jeezus. my grandma was on the phone with my sister and she was complaining about her life (2 kids, no money, hubby works 2 jobs - all legit stuff but she forgets that they own two full-sized vehicles that are WAY beyond their means and everything has to be new, and oh let's not get one dog but TWO, and small growing children MUST have name brand clothes....)

and well, my grandma's loud. even when she's not mad she talks like she's yelling at you. ack. so i went in and started to sloooowwwly shut the door to the room she was in and she stops the phone convo WHAT ARE YOU DOING? i'm just shutting the door, i'm trying to study. and i say this in the most mellow and soft tone i can muster. and she says LEAVE IT OPEN I'LL TALK SOFTER.

well, we know that's just a universal impossibility. she can't do it. but there's no sense in saying anything because at times like these when you need something, like some consideration then you get things THROWN back in your face. like you're living there for free, or it's her house, or i can move if i want.

i could stab her in the eyes too but i'm not gonna.


ACK

D-DAY 8 DAYS