baja bound!

wooo hooooooooooooooooo

well, it's getting closer and i'm finally feeling a little relief. i've turned in a bunch of grant proposals i'm getting approvals back for my research.

i. can't. wait.

i'm still all stressed about money. and i'm still all stressed about the work i need to do but i know that once i'm in the midst of being in the ocean and driving my boat and seeing FISHIES!!! and and MORE FISHIES...

i'm getting very excited. my first real research trip for MY PHD. hee so awesome. it's so surreal. i've done so much work and i'm so happy it's finally here. the PAYOFF. well, not exactly but CLOSE! but working in the field and doing research is the whole reason why i came to grad school and it took THREE long years in an office to finally get to this point and i just can't wait to get down there.

akee should be working

googlism - go ahead you know you wanna

Googlism for: akee

akee is a tropical evergreen tree that grows about 30 feet tall
akee is indigenous to the forests of the ivory coast and gold coast of west tropical africa where it is little eaten but various parts have domestic uses
akee is not edible
akee is native to western tropical africa and was introduced into jamaica in the late 18th century
akee is native to tropical west africa and was brought to the caribbean during the slave trade
akee is a delicious fruit
akee is a brilliantly red colored
akee is involved in a number of community organisations since the early 1980’s and is presently the chairperson of keriba
akee is a manager in the queensland department of employment
akee is tropical or subtropical
akee is only available there
akee is a rare poison which comes from the fruits of the akee plant
akee is the national fruit of jamaica even though it is poisonous when underripe or overripe
akee is een eetbare vrucht
akee is from the navajo nation >located in northern arizona
akee is not a common tree in hawai‘i
akee is catching his breath
akee is a fruit
akee is an indigenous consultant to the family court in northern queensland
akee is ripe
akee is based in the torres strait islands and is a manager in the queensland dept
akee is indigenous to the ivory coast and gold coast of west tropical africa
akee is really a female
akee is the jamaican national fruit
akee is located in central area near
akee is a professional designing and manufacturing
akee is the fruit of a north african tree in the same family as the lychee
akee is the national fruit of jamaica

i hate my family

i'm sitting here and i should be working. i have alot of emails to do, phone calls to make, applications to fill out and as i'm doing so i hear the phone ring and i hear my grandma talking to someone. since she has referred to my aunt and my sister in the third person it can't be them so it can only be one other person:

my "mother"

where do i begin. first i hate her. i'll start there. and i feel very valid in my hate for a MULTITUDE of reasons.

but what sickens me most right now is that they are talking about how disgusted they are over this story in the paper about this guy who was molesting his daughter.

they are disgusted

DISGUSTED

that's right. the same woman who allowed our stepfather to sexually molest my other sister and i. to physically abuse my sister and i. to verbally asault us on a daily basis is DISGUSTED with this story.

and my grandmother, who we have TOLD this to has a hard time understanding why we're "still so angry about it."

yet, they're disgusted over this man who molested his daughter. and he was caught because he posted naked pics of her on the internet.

i hope one day that my "mother" will finally feel the pain she caused us. i don't think that's wrong to feel that way. i know that people talk of forgiveness. i accept that those people may be better human beings than i am. i also know that my "mother" has NEVER ASKED for forgiveness. she denies the whole thing. exactly HOW do you forgive that? i won't. and what i don't understand about other people is this constant, "well, you should just forgive her." or "who would reject their mother?" kinda crap.

what the hell is that? don't people think that i want nothing more than a MOTHER????? someone who is supposed to protect and love me more than ANYONE IN THE WORLD? do people really think that removing your mother from your life and rejecting any possibility of receiving an "inheritance" (i've been "written out of the will" - there's not alot, it's just a matter of principle that his sons got treated like royalty and we were treated like scum. that's completely lost on her...but i digress) didn't FUCKING KILL ME?? do you think i would reject her over something TRIVIAL?

NO!

I REJECT HER BECAUSE SHE KNEW THAT HE WAS TOUCHING US. SHE KNEW THAT HE WAS HURTING US. WE TOLD HER. and she told us "i don't want to make waves." and year after year after year of growing up afraid in my own house. with nightmares every night.

she. did. nothing.

and i dream sometimes of stabbing her in the chest and reaching in and pulling her heart out (just like in the movies FBI STALKING MY BLOG) but i know that i would be reaching into an empty cavity.

but right now, she's DISGUSTED with this man who molested his daughter