surreal

ok so besides the apartment i get to use i'm also feeding someone's dog for the next few days.

yesterday, on christmas day, i went over in the morning to feed him and let him out and i opened the front gate to the yard and there's a big tree that basicly the canopy covers the yard from the gate to the roof of the house and it was all very edwardscissorhand surreal the way the sky was gray and the sun was behind the house and there was that brightgray glare going on and i looked up because i saw something floating down to the roof and to the ground and at first i thought oh it's just leaves but they were drifting slowly, not at all like leaves and i couldn't see them at first because they were silhouetted against the glare.

so when one finally landed on the ground i saw it was a feather. and then when i realized that was a feather i realized that the front deck had quite a few feathers all around, some long tail-like feathers and some that looked like fluffy underfeathers.

i looked up again, and more feathers floating down. imagine quizzical look on my face.

i look down and amongst the feathers was the feather covered skull cap and top beak laying near my feet. and at first i thought goddamn cats!!! (don't get me started on how cats are bad for the environment!!!) but then i thought. no way. those feathers are drifting down from waaaayyyy up there. and i was scanning the tree for some clues as to what happened and as i stepped back to get a better look on the other side

a huge hawk flew off. and it was amazing. first the size alone was impressive. i've seen hawks all my life where i grew up and i'm absolutely fascinated with predators of all kinds but i'd never seen one that close and it's density and buld was awesome. and i was thinking man he was RIGHT there and i didn't see him and then i thought he was totally watching me the whole time

and that thought popping in my head was soooo cool

it's my baby's christmas today

MERRY CHRISTMAS BABY!!

i know that since your christmas is today, you're a day ahead of me and ohsofaraway...but i want you to know that i love you and as much as you drive me crazy...*wink* you're ohsoclose to my heart

*totally blushing now*

SMOOCH

ok i did the unthinkable

i shoved their toiletbrush in there. and pumped it and watched it get covered with wet toiletpaper, brown bits, and whatever stringy thing i've eaten lately while tryingtryingtrying not to hurl in the already full toilet bowl.

and just about the very millisecond i decide that i'm going to have to hurl soon a giant sucking and then draining

oh thank god

my worst nightmare ever is that whereever i am that is not my house and something like that happens i'll have to leave to go grab something or like today, go to gran's for christmas eve dinner and the actual residents will come home and find a toilet full of poo soup and a pulled apart wire hanger stuffed down it.

and really, who wants to come home to that?

ACK

ok the hanger didn't work!!!!!!!!!!!

AND

the smell....

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

what to do?

ack!

i'm housesitting. not that this house needs to be sat really. but mostly because i need a place to hide and work. so i'm staying in an apartment on campus.

well, i just took the dump of a liiiiiiiiiiifetime and apparently it seems that the toilet feels the same way.

i'm not sure if there's anything more horrifying and breath-taking than watching a toilet FILL and SWIRL with your ass droppings and then teeter at the edge of the bowl.

it's not right frankly. and of course, i can't find a plunger and i'd hate to stick their toilet brush in there for fear of what will stick! to it and be a semi-permanent reminder to them of my stay here...

it's raining

which is fine.

but i have to take a shower cuz i haven't taken one in several days...and well, not only do i hate showering in the winter but i HATE showering on rainy days.

don't ask

just accept

i have

christmas eve day

christmas is ridiculous

i'll try not to get all "conspiracy theory" on you but it's become nothing but an emotionally vacuous day based solely marketing and overconsumption.

and i'm having a hard time fathoming how people make ends meet during this time of year. i mean seriously i didn't buy gifts for EVERYBODY i know and i sure as hell didn't send out christmas cards and i still spent around $250.

wtf?

and that includes half making most of the presents. i bought frames for pictures i took and drawings i did. i bought a couple of toys for kids but i refused to spend more than $12 per kid. and i hate giving toys on christmas because they're just surrounded by all this glut and then you give them a stupid little toy and it's like 'oh...thanks...?' and i refuse REFUSE REFUUUUSE to buy anything weapon-like or war-like.

refuse

um

i just saw a commercial for the DONUT EXPRESS. did you know donuts are FRIEEEEED? yes they are. but you can make healthier donuts.

yes you can

yes. you. can.

and you wanna know how? yes. that's right. the DONUT EXPRESS.

let me tell you. i've tried lots of diets. but it NEVER occurred to me that to get that hot bod i should incorporate DONUTS.

i'm so out of the loop.

i don't understand the appeal of rappers

workworkwork

ok

calm down

you.have.time

today is dec. 23 which means you have 8 weeks to finish the proposal and study for your exam.

FUCK
FUCK
FUCK

is a panic attack self-destructive or is it real. i mean, should i really be panicking? should i really be upset? or do i have plenty of time and i'm just trying to undermine my ability to do it? so that in case i do not do well, i can tell myself well, you really didn't have enough time.

and now what do i do about the date? should i put it off a week? but then that just leaves me a week to get ready for mexico. i hate this. i get too stressed to make decisions. i constantly secondguess myself and undermine my ability to do things well.

i have today to work. part of tomorrow to work. probably won't get any work done on christmas and then i have the 26,27,28,29 here by myself. FOCUS. last week went so well. i was in the lab 10-12 hours at a time and i got a shit load done. but the problem is all my days now need to be 12-15 hour days in order to do this right. i had some real momentum going last week and now it's dissipated.

holidays...meh

still hate 'em.

not much has changed.

but i'm leaving tomorrow for a house-sitting gig and i'll just come back for christmas, not for the pre-toomanypeopleinthishouse festivities.

so my baby was supposed to come in february.she's mad at the grouper. cuz we found out they spawn in march to may, instead of april to september. i can hear her now "stooopid grouper"

but i think, and i'm sure she'll let me know if i'm wrong...but we've ironed it out and so far have been able to make alternative plans. which is good. i'm sad she's not coming in feb. i mean we've known each other over a year now and when she said she wants to come here that was a year ago. and it seemed sooooooooo incredibly far away. and of course i'm amazed she still talks to me.

i'm a bit more high-maintenance emotionally than i ever imagined i could be in a relationship. i thought i was the total happy-go-lucky girl. well, turns out that was someone else...lol...not me

anyway, she's coming in october and if i can manage to not flip out on her anymore then we'll be good.

i do love her. SMOOCHES

DAY THREE

I know...I know...I haven't posted a header with DAY ONE or DAY TWO. BUT SCREW YOU HIPPIE IT'S MY BLOG!

so there

anyway, wow lots has happened in this "workshoppy" type environment that i'm taking part in for my project. and a major change may happen as a result of new information i've just received. i may NOT be taking my orals in february and i MAY be going to mexico in march through may instead of april through september...

more later

uh oh

omg it's been sooooooooooo long since i blogged. well hopefully i'll have some blogging time this week. won't that be fun. so i'm out here at the marine lab and my prof is going to be spending some time with me nailing down my proposal.

it was funny he's so quiet and kinda oldish and his wife is a spitfire and well, talks like a sailor. he asked how i was and i said i was fine until i lost radio reception and the only thing on was NPR (which i like) but they kept talking about saddam. well, some of it was interesting because they bring up a lot of really interesting points about how this should be handled and how they're afraid it's going to be handled. heh

fucking bush

there i've officially been put on an FBI list. hee

ok anyway, everything was fine UNTIL i heard bush talk. and he is absolutely unfuckingbelievably stupid. i swear he sounded like porky the pig... bedep bedep bedep....deh that's all folks

idiot

I WANT IT ON RECORD I DID NOT bedepbedepbedep eh VOTE FOR HIM!!!!

*heavy sigh*

really i'm fine. i promise...

and it cracks me up that rumsfeld is all bent out of shape because saddam is being "non-cooperative and sarcastic."

SWAHHH! sarcastic! lmfao. that's classic. i can't believe he hasn't sprawled out his maps and just pointed everything out. i'm surprised he didn't walk out of that hole and say, i've been waiting for you guys. what took you so lomg. omg *tears* sarcastic. jeeeeezus what did they expect. oh hi guys! want some tea? no? don't touch me! wtf?

of course not in english though...

and their all oh well we're not sure if it should be an international trial, um, cuz, um well because we're afraid that saddam's going to say "oh yeah december 20 1983 yeah i remember rumsfeld delivering those chemical weapons and telling me i could use them on iran. what? is that a problem?"

hee