killing myself one digit at a time

for some reason lately i've been whacking the shit out of my fingers for various reasons but with consistently painful results.

a month ago i smashed my right "ring" finger in my best friend's defective patio chair excising a significant chunk of meat

two and a half weeks ago i sliced the very top of my left thumb off while making dinner because my sister is having her daughter baptized mormon and the deacons were there explaining the mysticism of mormonism to her. as they said, before we're born we're with god and we know everything in the universe there is to know and then when we're born god puts a veil over our eyes so that we don't know that we know everything. i look up with a look of disbelief and it's all i can do to bite my tongue and not say "well, then i guess donald rumsfeld is mormon" when my knife comes down to separate my body from my thumb tip. blood in the salad. lots of it. gran said god was punishing me. i punished her by allowing her to find the thumb tip in her salad.

what?

over the last week i've been polishing otoliths mounted on glass slides and slowly the sides of the slides are slicing away at the outside tip of my right thumb. and then while gazing at an otolith under the microscope i try to turn it around to look at it from another angle and the little bit of water between the glass base and the glass slide has adhered the slide and i think oh just force it a little. i'm here to tell you don't do that.

then finally yesterday in an altogether brilliant move i manage to lodge a very very very very sharp exacto blade deeeeeeeeep into my left index finger and it happens so fast i don't realize at first how deep it is until i bend my index finger and this half inch cut opens up to expose the edge of the thick dermis and the bloody, bumpy interior tissues. i never go to the doctor, but when my friend T looked at me wide-eyed and said, maybe you should go to the health center? i did not fight but merely followed her with a blood soaked towel wrapped around my hand.

so now that i have a SHITLOAD of work to do i have managed to incapacitate the head soldier of my WRITING and drawing hand.

thank god i masturbate with the right...