There's a song on one of my Siouxsie and the Banshees album called 98 degrees. In the beginning of the song there is a sound clip from, the sound of it, is from a movie from the 40’s or 50’s. i’ve always wanted to know what that song was. There’s a man and he has an urgent tone in his voice and he says (i’m paraphrasing from memory right now): “I read in a newspaper once that most murders are committed at 98 degrees Fahrenheit. Lower than that, people are easygoing, hotter than that it’s too hot to move but right at 98 degrees people get IRRITABLE!� and then the music starts. I don’t know why that’s always intrigued me, and i don’t know for a fact if it’s true at all. something to think about.

I guess i thought about it today because for some reason when i argue or when i hear people argue that snippet just *poof* pops in my head. I’m thinking of it today because, well, i think my baby and i have been a bit irritable with each other. This is semi normal behavior for me being an over-emotional, overly sensitive stubborn person involved with an enormously patient wonderful person who lately has been under a lot of stress and my normal behavior isn’t helping much. Mind you, some of my other normal behaviors are to want to help, to want to fix things, to make things nice for people. I want to do these things for her because i do love her so much and she is so good to me. i want to make sure she’s eating right, i want to make sure she doesn’t leave her lunch on the tram, i want her to cuddle with me and i can rub her back while she’s resting her eyes after she’s been working 16 hours a day in front of a computer. I really want to do those things for her. And i can’t. at least right now. I’m not sure if we could be physically farther away from each other and sometimes the impossibility of it all kills me.

The fact that we even met, that we enjoy each other so much, that we love each other so much, the fact that we can’t go a day without talking seems so incredibly implausible to begin with. Sometimes i think about the situation and think, what the hell am i doing? And then i think about her, or i hear her voice, i notice how she treats me and it all becomes amazingly crystal clear. Clearer than anything i’ve ever experienced. I can’t NOT have this woman in my life.

So why am i such an ass to her you may ask…i don’t know. I honestly don’t. i freak out on her and she handles it. and i think, i shouldn’t do that. it’s good she handles it, it’s good she’s patient but NOONE is a saint, and i’m not sure that even saints could handle what i dish out. But i know she loves me. and i know i believe her when she says that. i believe her too when she says i’m good to her. Because i like to be. I can’t say i try, because that would imply that it’s a great amount of effort that goes into it, when it isn’t. when i’m not kooking out or being insecure or misunderstanding her i know i’m good to her. I know she turns to me for certain things she doesn’t turn to anyone else for and that fills me with so much joy. I’m unable to explain it to anyone. I can’t even find the words to explain it to myself. I just feel it, it is strong, it feeds my soul.

So i guess i could go on and on about my insecurities, my freakouts, sometimes especially when hormones take over my uncontrollable rages over the simplest things. Especially since they’ve been so close to the surface lately. They are right there, like exposed nerves in your teeth that cause so much pain at the slightest inhale of breath. Don’t even talk about ice cream or a cold drink. Excruciating. So whenever i fight with my grandma, or anyone, there they all are, those feelings i work so hard to hold down, to keep at bay, those monsters i lock in the closet. They come rushing at me when i’m least expecting it and i lash out, specifically at the wrong people, specifically at the people who love me the most and not the people who planted this rage in me, who nurtured it with poisonous words and deeds and made sure i watered it daily with my tears.

So now i jump at shadows, i don’t trust the ground beneath me and i do stupid things like over-react to a few typed words on my computer screen sent to me by my love halfway across the world.

I am a giant ass

Ugh

My sister is coming back. Her and her two kids. Then her husband. Who knows when. And it’s not necessarily that i don’t want her here. That’s not it it’s just that once she’s here i’m afraid of the chain of events that will transpire once she is here. I’ve been dreading them and i don’t know why because she’s not.

I’ll try to make a long story short. My sister is the youngest of us three girls from Toni. She is married to Steven who is in the army. He is supposed to get out. He was supposed to get out awhile ago, but then the war started and he got shipped out. This is completely understandable to normal people. This is what happens to millions of people who join the army for the GI bill and the college tuition, what they’re gambling on is that we don’t go to war while their in the service because when we do they don’t get out.

I have a saying about my sister. It is: “Stephanie can fall in a vat of shit and come out smelling like a rose.” I love my sister don’t get me wrong, she’s my baby, but she’s spoiled and somehow things ALWAYS work out in her favor.

Anyway, when he was going to get out they were going to move here and live in Toni’s house that is right above grandma’s. when my mother got married the third time she moved into town and rented that house out. Lots of times to family members…with various results. I’ve moved into that house quite a number of times with them because they were helping me out and my parents would hassle them for it. (another long story). The people that are currently renting the house have put a lot of work into the yard and have been there awhile and have been really good tenants. They’ve even offered to buy the house, but Lamar, my hypocrite of a stepfather told them that house is for his daughter, Stephanie. Well (this is not why he’s a hypocrite…another long story…) Stephanie is not his daughter. He adopted her, fine but still…he also tried to have her kidnapped and sent off to a youth retraining prison in utah (another long story). And if you’re keeping track, there are THREE daughters, but apparently the house is only being saved for the ONE daughter…hmmmmm. Fuckers.

So Stephanie has said she wants to live there now, rent the house now with her family. She wants those other people kicked out and she can move in. and i said, “Stephanie, they’re good tenants they’ll have no reason to kick them out.” To which she informed me (i’m still researching this) that a landlord can kick someone out if it’s for a family member. WTF? I can KINDA see it if say it was a hardship condition, deep depression in the country and they had NOWHERE to go, but none of those conditions apply so again. WTF? And how can my sister do this. how can my sister with good conscience move a family out of the house they’ve lived in and put a lot of work into.

A couple of weeks after i started my garden, i noticed him out tilling the garden at the other house and thought oh shit. Please don’t let Stephanie come because that looks like a looooot of work. And sure enough over the weeks, the garden took shape and now looks wonderful. Lots of corn and squash and tomato plants. Man i feel bad. And i kept hoping he wouldn’t get his orders and they wouldn’t be coming. For a week there they were thinking of moving to Tennessee near his family and i thought AWESOME. They’ll leave those poor people alone…but no Stephanie just called this morning. Steven hasn’t gotten his orders yet, he should be getting them soon but they said even when he gets them it will take him a week to get the rest of the paperwork in order before he can leave the base. Well, Steph aint waitin. She’s leaving tomorrow morning and should be here Saturday and as soon as she gets here she wants Toni to give those people notice.

What’s wrong with my family that i’m the ONLY one that feels bad about this?

GRAN’S CRANKY!!

Therefore, i’ve been doing what i do best and learned to do at an early age, when i can’t “fix” it, i make myself scarce. So that’s what i’ve done. Therefore, not much of an entry today.

Now i’m going to go hide outside and do some sketches. Hopefully that will make me feel better.

Wow, what a beautiful day it’s been so far. It’s Saturday, heh, although it’s not like it matters…cuz i don’t have a job…OH

WAIT!! I DO have a job. It’s not much but it’s a start and it pays $9/hr. apparently the other lady called so she got the full summer cashier job. But he had another position that was kind of a field help position where people are out picking their berries and so i help people by pointing them in the right direction, make sure people are following the rules and such. It’s 4 weeks, approximately 27 hours per week depending on how busy it is. So i’m happy. 

So, just last week i was starting to tidy my room up so i went and folded up my blankies and put them in this tub for storage. Well, last night let me tell you i froze my ass off dammit! But in spite of that i’ve been in a good mood all day (except for the occasional nip from gran it’s been perfect) so it’s 3:30 now and it’s warmed up a bit but otherwise it’s been so nice. Very cool, slight breezes. I watered early, then worked out. I’ve been keeping track of my workout and the readout from the machine. I think keeping track will help me stay motivated. We’ll see though, won’t we?

So i’ve been out in the garden doing some stuff. I’m so excited some of my cucumbers have started to get flowers and my tomato plant. My cherry tomatoes are getting very tall but no flowers yet. I’m trying to decide if after the beets are ripe if i want to plant more beets or start some zucchini. We’ll see. I’m just stoked cuz i’ll be eating FRESH salsa and cucumber salads that i GREW and made. I don’t know why that makes me sooo happy  but it does.

Up above the house towards the road there is a woodpecker nest with some babies. I’ve been hearing them now for about 2 weeks. I don’t know how long they stay in the nest after hatching. The bird book i have is a birdwatching book and mostly for adult bird identification. It’s a beautiful book, and in fact when this book came out it gave me great hope for my book because this guy’s been birding and working on this book for over 10 years and all the illustrations are his. It’s this major book now so obviously there is a market for natural history books with good illustrations.

I saw a new bird today and i don’t know what it is. It looked like a small hawk, but i didn’t have my glasses on so i couldn’t see the details of it. but the shape, flight pattern and general coloration told me: hawk. There are red-tailed hawks around here and they’re awesome. I can tell them right away. Some people see the vultures and say “oh, hawk!” but i know it’s not a hawk. Hee. I’m such a natural history snob! Lol

Oh, hey i looked up the hawk. I don’t know which it is but i’ve narrowed it down. It’s either a Northern Harrier (Circus cyaneus) or a hawk of the genus Accipiter of which three occur in this area. Although now that i look again, it says the Accipiter hawks are more winter hawks in this area, and the Northern Harrier occurs here year-round and based on the sound it made i think it might be that. hee. I wish i would have had my glasses. Dammit! I just hate working outside with them cuz i’m clumsy…

So…it’s almost 4 pm my time which means my baby should be up and on her way to school.

so i went to the job interview and what a strange man he was! i wish i would have applied earlier because it's this cake job where you're cashiering for a pick-your-own-berries farm. and it pays $9/hr. which is very good for that position. anyway, i went up there and he had me write my info down then he had a list of questions/tasks that he filled out on the paper when i did them. i didn't notice until later but he was GRADING me!

so he asked if i had a car? yes. would you object to running errands, such as picking up ice? no. would you have a problem with attendance, every weekend until october? no.

then he showed me the cash register, taught me to ring things up and then had me do it. i did. hee no sweat. then he explained in GREAT detail what gross weight, taring, and net weight was. hee. i kept my mouth shut and let him talk. something i find hard to do when someone goes into great detail about something that does not require great detail. but then, he's probably dealing with high school kids or adults who barely made it through high school for this job.

so i ace the "taring" assignment and now he wants me to line a bucket with a plastic bag and secure it. these bags and buckets are what some people use to pick the berries. anyway, he shows me and i'm thinking no big deal. then he says, "go ahead and practice a few and when you think you have it let me know."

no he did not just tell me to practice!!

so i do one and, of course, it's a snap. you put the bag in the bucket, you pull the edges of the bag over the outside of the bucket, use another "special" bucket to get the air out, you adjust the bag so that the handle moves freely, then you fasten the bag with a large rubber band. done. so call him and he sees the one i did but he wants me to do one in front of him...so i do and when i pull the special bucket out static electricity causes the bag to puff out a bit cuz it stuck to the special bucket. and then he says well that was ok. go ahead and do this whole stack and get some practice.

mind you, i was rolling my eyes inside my mind. gimme a break. but i should have recognized that when he said practice the first time that this fella was ANAL!! especially after the GROSS-TARE=NET lecture. so it's my bad really. lol and i got a B on the buckets.

he had already offered the full time job to a woman who hasn't called him back yet. so i'm going to call him today. but i told him i'm definitely interested in the July job if she takes the cashier job. that's about 700-800 bucks just working 4 weekends. but if she doesn't take the other job he said he'd give it to me. so hee. let's hope the other lady doesn't call. I NEED THE MONEY!!!!!

DENTAL UPDATE!!!

First of all, insurance is a scam! I, being a lowly grad student, have to have the grad student health insurance, which i pay for along with my tuition. well, it is better than nothing, but barely. the lady at the front desk takes all my info and i tell her what i have and so she enters all my stuff in the computer and when my appointment is over i go to the front and she says, "did you know your maximum per year is $250?" and i said yeah they explained it to us that it was for a checkup and cleaning once a year. and she said, "well, i've never heard of it being that low. when it came up on the computer i had to call and make sure it wasn't an error." she then told me that normal coverage is around $1000-1500 a year. so next time when i go back for a cleaning and to fix a filling $83 of that is coming out of my own pocket. wtf?

but i guess i can't complain too much because that would be $333 out of my pocket without insurance. but then again, if i didn't have any coverage then i wouldn't go. i know this because i've gone 5 years without insurance and not once visited the dentist...so there's a moral here somewhere??? lol

so i get up this morning and i have to pee.

wait. let me back up. i was awakened by my phone ringing at 5:30 AM. that's right AM!! now, let me explain something. if the phone rings at 5:30 am it had better be an emergency or my baby. luckily, it was my baby. *sigh* so cute. so we talk for about 10 minutes then her tram comes. i go back to sleep. then the phone rings about 15 minutes later and it's her again. she has to talk to me again. not really about anything. i think she likes to hear my voice. you know, i think she likes me...lol

anyway, so once i'm awake i have to pee, right? so i get up to pee and ok i don't GET this. my aunt and uncle are sleeping in the master bedroom that has its own bathroom. so why the hell is one of them taking a shower in the other bathroom? wtf? grrrr.

so i went outside. heh. i love living in the country. :P

so today i have a dentist appointment. and i'm scaaaaaaaaaared!!! i haven't been in a loooong time and i think one of my teeth that already has a filling is going bad. which pisses me off because this happened before. they didn't get all the cavity out, put the filling in, and the tooth continued to decay under the filling. asses. so the other day i'm eating popcorn and, well, you never realize that you use one side of your mouth more than the other because i bit down on the popcorn, there was pain *ouch!* and so i moved it over to the other side and proceeded to eat popcorn on the other (right) side of my mouth and it felt, hmm, odd. wrong? whatever it was weird.

my uncle and his wife are here at my gran's house. they were leaving the house to go look at modular houses (oh dear god no!) and so i walked out with them and gran is yelling cuz there is a snake and then lori is yelling cuz there is a snake but they're nowhere near each other. well it turns out there are 3 HUUUUUUGE gopher snakes and of course everyone is kooking (well, except my uncle of course, and myself). i'm trying to explain to them that gopher snakes are GOOD and they're not venomous, but they imitate rattlesnakes and they will strike if taunted. heh. so they all run for the cars and take off and then the damn snakes head straight for the open garage. wtf? there are one miiiiiiiiiiiiiillion gophers in the yard ever encroaching on my GARDEN!!! and those goddamn snakes head for the garage. so while i'm corraling and trying to catch one snake i'm not paying attention to the other two so i get the one out but he's crafty fellow and about 4 ft. long. well he's out but trying to head in and i put him farther away and i think well, i'll shut the garage because if these snakes get in gran will have a heart attack and just when i turn around there's another snake coming out from under a cabinet in the garage, right by my friggin' dog who is not the least bit bothered by this serpenty thing.

*sigh*

so then i thinkoh i'll get my camera cuz these are beautiful animals and when i get back out there...GONE! ALL GONE!! bastards! lol

well, they say this is my brain on the web. scary thought...