i'm having a debate with myself right now if i want to keep this blog. i like having it. i like having this space. i like writing what i want and just putting it out there. i love that i get hits for people looking for solutions to their stinky vaginas and that it never occured to me that titling my blog "smells like fish" would bring all those hits. i get such a kick out of it. but i'm also sad when i look at this blog because so much of the last 2 years is on it. and i can't read any of my old posts without crying and i hate it because it makes me feel stupid. and i get sad because the url for this page is based on a term of endearment from someone i care about deeply. and i thought i was going along fine. i thought i was feeling better and then something always happens to remind you you're not ok. and i realize i'm never going to get the explanation that was promised, i'm never going to understand it so i'm never going to have the closure i need from them so i have to do it myself. and if i have to do it myself i don't see a friendship coming out of the end of it and it breaks my heart. stupid lesbians. this is twice now i've fallen in love with a close friend and twice the relationship didn't work out and now i have no friend either. and it's just hard to try to write about some stupid funny shit that i had knocking around in my brain when i come here and i just get sad.

not to be all dramatic (but i'm a dyke so i guess it's inherent) i'm just typing this out to see how i feel about it. so who knows what will happen. i'm here at my best friend's house and they left for thanksgiving so i have the place to myself so i may just get drunk bbq'ing my steak for thanksgiving and P.W.I. (post while intoxicated) and forget that i said all this until i wake up to go to work on saturday. she wanted me to go with them. and normally i do spend thanksgiving with them because they are the family i joined because mine sucks so bad but i said i don't think i'll be that much fun to be around so i'll just stay here.