rough couple of days...but things are looking up

so, we've been fighting alot. and it sucks. and i would have to say that the fighting is not due to a lack of love or affection but of communication. because i know i love her, and i know she loves me. but dammit if we're not so stubborn that we sometimes have these impasses that at the time feel so overwhelmingly impossible to get through. they scare me.

but we're ok now. and we are working on the communication. i know it's difficult over IM to hear inflections and it's easy to mistake meaning and so misunderstandings do happen. and i've explained to her how it feels when the first words out of her mouth (message window) are WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? and mad faces. and i understand she misses me and that means alot to me but i do react quickly and negatively to yelling or criticism. that is not the way to stay in my good graces or to maintain a crush! lol

but we talked. and, frankly it helps that she absolutely adores me and i think we both have equal power over each other with our voices so we just melt when we hear the other. and of course, i adore her too.

so my car crapped out yesterday and grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr that pisses me off! it's a relatively new car, on 5 years old. newest car i've owned! so i ran my errands in gran's car yesterday and kept trying to start it. it just clicked..clickclickclick...grrr

so i looked it up on the internet. i'm telling you google rocks. i typed in "car won't turn over clicking sound" and fuck an a if sites didn't come up with those words AND i found one page that was a diagnosis page. it said "car won't start, makes clicking noise" and so i clicked on it and it gave me three options: dead battery, dead starter, loose or corroded battery cables. well, it definitely wasnt the third. they were very clean and tight. so gran went and bought jumper cables because she used to have some but ever since my grandfather passed away tools and whatnot disappear from the garage and toolchest so poor gran who thinks she has pliers, a drill, jumper cables, multiple extension cords whatever goes to get them or someone comes to do work and they say do you have an extension cord or like today, when i asked if she had jumper cables they were gone. i have jumper cables, but they're in my big truck box IN MY TRUCK WHICH IS STILL IN THE SHOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so, i told gran that if we jump the car and it starts then it's most likely a dead battery. if we jump it and it doesn't start, then it's the starter. well, it started. so i took the battery out put it in my gran's trunk and we took it to the car parts store where they can test it and where i can buy a new one. so we walk in and there is my ex-brother in law (my sister m's ex husband) who she set up with her best friend and he got her pregnant so now he has one kid with my sister and one kid with her best friend...can you say SOAP OPERA? poor guy. he's a nice guy too. and my sister's best friend is kind of a demanding shrew like my sister. eek!

anyway, he tests the battery and it's dead. YAY! so i buy a new battery. except after i got home i thought well, if it was the starter then that would have been covered by the extended warranty i purchased

OH OH OH OMG SO COOL A HAWK JUST FLEW BY MY WINDOW WHILE I WAS TYPING THIS. OMG SO BEAUTIFULLLLL!!!

ok sorry i get excited when i see hawks

but anyway, i bought a new battery and it works! YAHHHHH because TOMORROW is the beginning! the beginning of hte END OF MY SANITY !!!!!!!!!

i start commuting to school 4 days a week to TA a class and then hopefully start studying for my orals. eeek

so tonight i'm going to go get a take and bake pizza and bakeit in my sister's oven up the hill and then come back here and eat it and watch ellen degeneres and before she freaks out reading this...lol SPEND TIME WITH MY SWEETIE!!

here

on this very internet!!!

an update

well, first of all dear reader(s?) lol, i must say that she called.

my phone rang at 1 am this morning and at first i freaked out because she normally calls at 4 am and when i woke up to answer knowing it was her i thought nooooooooo i'm too tired for it to be 4 am!!!

but anyway, she called because she wanted to say, in about the cutest voice ever, "i read your bloooooooooog!!! baby i'm so sorry....you had a nice day and i'm calling cause i read your blooooooooooooog!"

so there, she read my blog.

and now she's still having a stressed out day and there's nothing i can do for her. and it's frustrating because apparently she has these little pockets of time to message me and i've been busy all day getting ready for the FAAAAAAAAAMILY EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK

my cousin's wedding is on saturday and two of my uncles are coming with family in tow to come stay at gran's house. which means gran and i are out sleeping in the living room. which is fine. whatever. i have to work early tomorrow and i'll be working all day. but we had to clean the house and i had to clean out my room so my cousins could sleep there. and so i've been busy all day and i missed her when she was online.

good day

so i had a really good day today.

and i guess, a day like this makes me feel good to have this blog. because all of these just really nice things happened today. and the whole time they were happening i would think, man if she were here right now this would be cool. she would like this.

for example, i got up and did some stuff and then i worked out.

and i really didn't want to work out but i made myself and it was a really good workout. and i feel good about it.

and then i came to campus today to do some stuff and it was a beautiful day. and i almost finished moving my office to the new office and then i thought oh i'll go to the farmer's market and get some stuff. and now while the weather is nice they have picnic in the park on wednesdays so it's farmer's market, some music, and food booths. and it's nice because people come out and bring their blankets and chairs and just sit with their families and it's so mellow and green and nice and there's this little band playing.

and today it was bluegrass, just these four guys picking and it was nice. and the sun was nice and the weather was perfect. and i went around and got my tomatillos, avocados, tomatoes, tortillas, and some kettle corn and i bought a sandwich and it was really nice and i thought i'm happy i'm buying produce from people who grow it. and it's organic. and it's a beautiful day. and the music was nice and just this community being outside together was nice.

and all i could think about was, i wish she were here with me. she would like this. and i thought i can't wait to get back to tell her all of this.

and then when i get back to my office there are all these messages...where are you? and all these mad faces on my yahoo and my heart sank. i had left a message saying where i was, but apparently she had come in early to talk to me and was mad. and so of course i couldn't tell her all these nice things i enjoyed today and how much i thought of her while i was doing them because she was mad when i came back to talk to her.

more farm drama

ok so after his hissyfit with the throwing of the boxes from the loft and the the knocking the garbage over breaking down the boxes we were "supposed" to do that i didn't know about we came in saturday morning to find the LONGEST LIST we'd ever seen from him.

i suck

i had more farm drama to post. there was still the rest of saturday and then sunday to post. and i told myself i should post it before the next friday and here it is thursday. at any rate i wanted to post the end of the story. and i will

it's just that right now

i suck

for some reason i have not been that nice to someone i love with my entire heart. and that troubles me. because i know i love her. and i know i want to be with her. and yet i have this tendency to focus on the negative and i hate myself for it mostly because of the way i treat her when i do it.

that's not to say that i don't treat her well. i think i do. i think i'm kind and considerate and i am always there when she says be there.

see, it goes a little something like this. and maybe i'm rehashing. and maybe i'm oversensitive. and i think i had a point. i just blew it by freaking out over it again last night after we had for the most part worked it out.

anyway. i'll try to make a long story short...WHAT A LAUGH!

i was upset because since we met i have mailed her care packages and i have a third to send and then a present for her birthday. well, my birthday was in may and she sent off a package to me and she sent it to the wrong address and it got sent back to her. since then it has sat on her desk at her school for months. and i would try to make light of it and mention it to her and she would say REMIND ME! and that was fine at first. but then i would get this nagging thought "wait, it's MY present from HER. why should I have to remind HER? i mean if she REALLY loved me then she would think of it on her own. right?

well, on one hand i think that's true. but then on the other i realize i'm projecting how i treat people on her. and how i demonstrate love is different than hers and i know that if i really love her (which i most certainly do, more so than i've ever loved another human being in the past) then i should accept how she demonstrates her love for me.

and i realize it's my really fucked up view of the world that is suspicious of the most amazing person i've ever encountered. not because she's technically done something wrong. and the thing is, she's right. we did work it out. we did talk about it and she understood what was wrong after many words and many tears and she said she would be careful of it in the future. but i didn't trust that so i jumped on her last night.

for no reason.

well, no good reason. in this crazy, insecure head of mine i figured that if she understood and she was going to fix it she would do it right away! again projecting my action on her. not fair to her. and then when she told me she was waiting for the money to be able to send the package to me i felt like shit. i remembered how before we were at the stage we're at now she generously wired me money so i could get glasses and not suffer from horrible headaches in class and be able to see while driving. and i felt guilty that she had done something so generous and now she didn't have money. and then i felt guilty that she didn't have the money and yet i was pressuring her to send my present. and the conversation spiralled from there and i can imagine from her end what it was like. in fact, i remember her distinctly saying in a small sad voice, "oh this conversation started so nice"

and i felt like shit but i was already caught up in my self-righteousness and indignation and i let it carry me to a place where i spoke badly to this amazing woman...

and i am so truly regretful

farm drama part deux

well, blogger was down on friday and so i typed my blog in word and then when blogger was up i pasted it in. well, it looks like crap...don'tit? what the hell?

ok so to continue the saga...

friday was sooooo slow. so slow. but we had plenty to do of course because of the list. besides the normal list of "fill" work and the normal list of "hourly" work, there is the list. and on it are other projects he wants done during the day. which is fine. i actually like checking things off the list. but we're dealing with art here. and i've learned that if i do things on the list, i make sure i write them on the list and then check them off otherwise if for some reason you couldnt accomplish something on the list, but something else got done, he would obsess over the thing that didn't get done and not recognize that you took initiative to take care of a problem or what not.

so friday was slow. we had our list. and we worked all day. and when we work, we dont' get breaks. we work 9 hours straight. we get about 10-15 minutes to grab something to eat and that's it. if you need to "take a lunch" then you have to take it off your time card. if you can eat in 10-15 minutes then he'll pay you for it. because he wants you to work. which is fine. so we work.

well, something was apparently up his ass because we WORKED all day. we did the fill work. we did the hourly work. we did the list. and we did things not on the list. but for some reason this was not enough for him.

so to start off, i already mentioned the picnic table incident and the tossing of things out of the loft. then i guess he had said to k that he wanted the boxes broken down and put in the dumpster. well, i didn't know this. and i know k and it would have gotten done if we had the time. and the thing about the farm is that the register is a major bottleneck. when people come back from picking berries, if they've picked into a flat we have to weigh it and then we have to take each of the little baskets out of the flat and put lids on them and then bag them. well, this is not a DIFFICULT task but it is a time consuming and delicate task because you have to take the baskets out of the flat carefully and then put the lids on without squishing the berries. and some people fill their baskets nicely and they're easy to lid. and others heap the berries all over the place and you have to carefully remove them jostle the berries a bit, move some into other baskets because the lids won't fit and it just takes time. that's all. time. not hard. just time consuming. the other odd thing about the farm is that we can have NOONE in the store. NOBODY! and then all of a sudden the three families we sent out hours ago come back and then another three families show up to pick berries. and you just can't let them grab buckets and go out and pick. nooooooooooooooooooooooooo. you have to give them the spiel. you have to show them the paper with the rules and hazards on one side and the map of the farm on the other. you have to go into great detail regarding the rules and hazards if the family has young children, if the family consists of any ethnic group of concern (african-americans, asians, middle-eastern....) or if they're "white-trashy."

these are his concerns and not ours. and it sucks. i have avoided doing the things he has asked me to do under these "special" circumstances. if any of the groups he is concerned about are in the store i treat them like any other customer, because to me they are. but he has after the fact gone up to them when i have pleasantly sent them off to pick berries and they are smiling and excited about picking and grabbed their little pink piece of paper with the rules and hazards and the map and said and we would appreciate it if you would make sure that everyone in your group understands these rules and hazards.

ASS
H
O
L
E

so i could go on and on about the "profiling" but the point is that we could be just fine. getting work done, helping customers, checking off the list...

hold on, i'm going to post this so i can look into the "invitation log" of this blog to appease my monkey. so i will continue in a minute....

farm drama part one

He’s sooooooooooo passive-aggressive. And sometimes drives me absolutely nuts. And then sometimes i feel the most compassion for him because he is a nice man, just kinda fucked up.

His passive-aggressiveness is displayed in many ways. He PRAISES you overtly, sometimes in an exaggerated sense and then if you make a mistake he makes this back handed compliment. Where he’s complimenting you but has to add that he’s in some way overwhelmingly surprised that you did it right the first time, or something similar.

Ech

But i feel sometimes working there i’m being tested. Because there have been situations on this job that i recognize that in the past i would have ripped his fucking head off or worse he would have frustrated me so much that i would have cried. And that would have made me mad. And i would have cried more. And it would just get worse. Cycling downward into this awful self-esteem vacuum.

But now, i don’t do that.

Granted i was pissed as all get out when he yelled at me in front of that customer but honestly i think i handled it well. and i think i handled his “i’m sorry you made me mad� apology well. lmao

So i’m still having MAJOR cramps and i’m soooo over the farm. Every Friday morning we have to move the picnic tables onto the lawn. And it’s a pain in the ass any normal day and he’s sooo anal about it it’s ridiculous. See it would be simple to just drag them to their spot but he freaks out when you drag his tables (i witnessed him freak out on someone unnecessarily, big surprise…) so we have to carry these damn things and well, i was having cramps so i sooo didn’t want to do it. and k was cool about it she went to art and said hey m’s in the middle of something can you help me move the picnic tables. And he was pissy for about 45 minutes after. He was throwing things from the loft instead of setting them on the interim shelf. He was walking around huffing and puffing not talking to us. Dickhead.

So then he goes to his office to do some work and comes back smelling like beer. AT 10 IN THE MORNING! Now k has suspected that he drinks during the day and i was noway! And even s on the days he worked he was like do you smell beer on him? And i was pissed i didn’t smell it because i usually pick up on that shit. So yesterday. Definitely beer. And gum. And the funny thing is. You can’t cover it up with gum. Or at least he couldn’t cuz i could distinctly smell beer over the gum. So i told k. yep. I smell it.

So later after the throwing and stuff he goes to run some errands and then do more office work. “a� was sorting berries and she asked (she only speaks Spanish) where art was and i said oh he’s down in the office but k thinks he’s down there drinking. And she got so animated and was oh yes, i can smell beer on him and sometimes i think he drinks wine too i can smell the difference. And i was laughing and k was like what?! What?! And i said well, “a� just confirmed your little theory. Art’s hitting the sauce during the day. and she was so happy. Lol I’M RIGHT I TOLD YOU!

So later the woman that was the customer the day that art lost his fucking mind and yelled at me came in to get some berries. And she said something about the festival. And she said there were so many people and you gals handled it really well. and i said yes, it was really busy. And she said i’ve owned my own businesses before and i know how stressful it can get and i understand that. but i have to tell you ladies you handled the situation very well.

And i didn’t realize she was referring to “the situation� andi was trying to be professional and not say yeah art that fucking jerk…and then she got more specific and said “well, he shouldn’t have yelled at you in front of all those customers, you should never do that. there were so many people here and i understand what he was saying about the register but there was this huge line of people and he just started yelling at you and my grandchildren were here and they stood there with their jaws open and couldn’t believe it.�

Just then art came walking in the store. And she whispered “oh there he is.� And then turned to us and said “HAVE A NICE DAY LADIES!� and left. And he walked through and k and i looked at each other and smiled. And then later of course to each other we said that we knew he was an ass but it was nice to have the customer validate it.

working and yet not accomplishing anything

so i'm at the uni

i should leave soon in order to miss traffic, get gas, and run an errand. it's now 2 pm. if i want to miss traffic i MUST leave here by 3. of course, i planned on staying longer, after traffic but then my aunt called and said it was k's birthday so i'm going over there. i have to be there by six. this will only be possible if i leave by 3. IMUSTLEAVEBY33333!!!

thank god i'm not anal or compulsive

lol

but i know someone who is not going to be happy with the 3 pm departure. because here at uni i get QUICK internet and can be at her beck and call. she likes that. :)

so i finished my budget and sent it to the financial aid advisor. hopefully he sends it back soon so i can get the MOOOOONNNEEEEEEEY. then i can start buying stuff like a boat and a motor. yahhh boat and motor!

is it me, or is it odd that in the list of things that this motor comes with, propeller is one of them? isn't the propeller a pretty important part of the motor?

2:23. better start thinking about packing up.

before i came to the office i stopped at the fitness center and signed up. now that i'm paying...i BETTER work out. i'll have to figure out a schedule. i have to admit that i'm quite inspired by my aunt. she looks really good. and she says she hasn't lost any weight but she's lost an entire pantsize. that's cool.

UPDATE!

oh and i forgot to mention that my pgf is an amazingly talented, brilliant, hardworking animator!!!

rough week part tres

so my week is looking up. i hope to get lots done this week. and i'm still in love. so i'm happy about that. and she still loves me, i'm even happier about that.

the only thing i really have to complain about at this point is that the parents of the already screechyscreamy nephew have just purchased him...a harmonicaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggghhhhh!

rough week part deux

so art has this way of dropping everything and helping middle aged women. some better looking than others but none of them you know, lookers. heh

so this high maintenance broad comes strolling through the back of the barn and i say hi that's an employee entrance only the store is around front. and she says, well can i come in? and i look at her like, hmm i must not have been speaking english, (perhaps i was speaking that random dreamspeak i speak when someone calls me at 4 in the morning...lol) so she comes tromping on through and she gets the spiel on how the deal works and she heads out in her nice clothes and sandals with the loaner hat and a bucket and comes back in about 15 minutes with "oh my god it's too hard!. k and i just

ROLL
OUR
EYES

because we immediately know what's going to happen. he jumps to her "rescue" and she starts pointing at things in the store, all things that people could normally help themselves to and do and bring them to the register themselves...and she points and art picks up and carries and puts on the counter and he's sympathizing with her oh yes well we'll take care of you

VOMIT!

especially since he had just sent me out to the field to mulch and CLEAN the LEAVES of these tiny plants, about 4 1/2 rows in the heat. ass...lol

so he's rounding all this stuff up for her and fussing over this broad when she finally pays for everything and then he carries half the shit to her car. it just kills me because it is sooooo OBVIOUS! that he does this and k and i can totally pick up when he's going to do it. but see originally, i was supposed to mulch and k was supposed to clean the leaves. but then he decides that he just wants me to do it. and he even says "do you mind?" and i cheerfully say "oh no" and i can tell it kills him. and i've mentioned it to k that the day that i got yelled at in front of customers, she had said the same EXACT thing to him three times earlier. it's just when i said it he got pissed. and i think it's because he knows i can do the job, i can run the store without him and it kills him. he can't stand to have competent employees believe it or not. he has such compulsions and such control issues that he LOVES to bitch about crappy help and he likes us but there's a part of him that despises us (me) because we can do lots without him and it's HIS farm.

anyway, i just like to think about this experience because it really shows me how much better i am at dealing with people. i'm not perfect by any means, but looking back over my life i can definitely see an improvement in how i deal with situations and people. i don't have my entire self esteem locked up in how people view me and my work. i know my work is good and he can't rile me. and for that i'm actually proud of myself.

rough week

well folks. i'm not going to lie. this last week sucked. major disagreement/frustration with my monkey and it sucked hardcore. one minute i love this person so much the next i can't talk to her. grrrr

i know she doesn't do it on purpose. and there are one million wonderful things about her. but i can be triggered to go off by something as simple as not being understood. it makes me crazy. it sends me over the edge. and it sucked. for three whole days it sucked. i was so mad but i missed her so much. crazy crazy crazy.

so we patched things up. and i'm so happy. because she is my love, my light. i choose her because she is the only person in this entire fucked up world that sees me entirely. she knows everything. and she is gentle with my scars and my tender parts. and she is strong for my weaker parts. she makes my heart smile and do a jig whenever i see "AKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

HEE [(c) AKEE]

TRY TO STEAL MY "HEE" WILL SHE!! IDON'TTHINKSO!!

i know everyone she comes in contact with adores her but she wants me. *sigh*

ok enough mushy stuff.

i worked at the farm and i gotta tell ya. i'm SOOOO over the farm. lol. and the customers are changing. first we had people who dug the farm, mostly regular customers that LOVE their berries. now we're getting assy customers that are here because it's apple season and that means TOURISTS!!!!!!! so we're MEGA busy but make no money. for example, at the end of the day K and i guess how much money the store made when we're closing the register as a fun little game. and we're pretty good at it. and of course we like it when the store made more money than we predict. well, with these touristy peoples it felt like a $1600 day when in fact the register said only $1200. now that may not seem like much but what that means is that rather than having 30 people buying $50-60 worth of stuff each we had 120 customers buying $10 worth of stuff. i think i did the math right, but you get the point...

and then that bastard art does his double standard stuff and i have to do grunt work because K is "cute." and i don't hate her for it (she's actually not that cute but she's hella skinny and wears tiny clothes). but another situation similar to the one that got me yelled at in front of customers happened yesterday. but let me start at the beginning...well, let me post this and do some other work then i'll post the story...BE PATIENT! my single reader you! SMOOCH!