i suck

i had more farm drama to post. there was still the rest of saturday and then sunday to post. and i told myself i should post it before the next friday and here it is thursday. at any rate i wanted to post the end of the story. and i will

it's just that right now

i suck

for some reason i have not been that nice to someone i love with my entire heart. and that troubles me. because i know i love her. and i know i want to be with her. and yet i have this tendency to focus on the negative and i hate myself for it mostly because of the way i treat her when i do it.

that's not to say that i don't treat her well. i think i do. i think i'm kind and considerate and i am always there when she says be there.

see, it goes a little something like this. and maybe i'm rehashing. and maybe i'm oversensitive. and i think i had a point. i just blew it by freaking out over it again last night after we had for the most part worked it out.

anyway. i'll try to make a long story short...WHAT A LAUGH!

i was upset because since we met i have mailed her care packages and i have a third to send and then a present for her birthday. well, my birthday was in may and she sent off a package to me and she sent it to the wrong address and it got sent back to her. since then it has sat on her desk at her school for months. and i would try to make light of it and mention it to her and she would say REMIND ME! and that was fine at first. but then i would get this nagging thought "wait, it's MY present from HER. why should I have to remind HER? i mean if she REALLY loved me then she would think of it on her own. right?

well, on one hand i think that's true. but then on the other i realize i'm projecting how i treat people on her. and how i demonstrate love is different than hers and i know that if i really love her (which i most certainly do, more so than i've ever loved another human being in the past) then i should accept how she demonstrates her love for me.

and i realize it's my really fucked up view of the world that is suspicious of the most amazing person i've ever encountered. not because she's technically done something wrong. and the thing is, she's right. we did work it out. we did talk about it and she understood what was wrong after many words and many tears and she said she would be careful of it in the future. but i didn't trust that so i jumped on her last night.

for no reason.

well, no good reason. in this crazy, insecure head of mine i figured that if she understood and she was going to fix it she would do it right away! again projecting my action on her. not fair to her. and then when she told me she was waiting for the money to be able to send the package to me i felt like shit. i remembered how before we were at the stage we're at now she generously wired me money so i could get glasses and not suffer from horrible headaches in class and be able to see while driving. and i felt guilty that she had done something so generous and now she didn't have money. and then i felt guilty that she didn't have the money and yet i was pressuring her to send my present. and the conversation spiralled from there and i can imagine from her end what it was like. in fact, i remember her distinctly saying in a small sad voice, "oh this conversation started so nice"

and i felt like shit but i was already caught up in my self-righteousness and indignation and i let it carry me to a place where i spoke badly to this amazing woman...

and i am so truly regretful