snob (3)

i really can't think of any good reason to definitively defend myself and my feelings for stupid people. and i spent the whole weekend trying to figure out why this perfectly nice person would annoy me so gratingly when she does something stupid.

or lacks absolute common sense.

i've tried to formulate it in words that would not make me look like a complete asshole but the fact of the matter may just be that i AM a complte asshole.

and for some reason i realized i was completely ok with that.

have a good day

Karma happens

Almost

I torture my grandma. Now don’t freak out, it’s not like physical torture, she’s not hooked up to a rack or anything like that. i just mess with her relentlessly. And the sad thing is i’m able to do the same assy thing to her over and over again.

Which makes her partly to blame… right?

Well, i think so. hee

Anyway, usually the torture involves some from of public embarrassment, typically in the grocery store. For example, we’ll go to the store and depending upon how much shopping either one of us has we’ll either share a cart or, if we have lots of shopping, we’ll get separate cart.

When we share a cart, my favorite thing to do is to not stay with her and then when she finally finds me she has a huge armload of stuff and puts it in my cart. I then proceed to bitch her out “hey old lady! Getcher own cart! What the hell?” to which she will slap me after everyone looks at us weird and says “KNOCK IT OFF!”

Hee


When we have separate carts i always like to smash into her cart in an aisle and yell “hey old lady! Watch where the hell you’re going!” same reaction from her.

Guess you have to be there.

And you might be thinking, oh man how can she be so mean to her grandma. And the simple answer is: IT’S FUNNY! and the capper is, she knows i do it but whenever i say “hey gran i’m going to the store, do you need anything?” she acts like some excited puppy and says “oh, can i go with you?”

Of couuuuuuursssssse! Hee

And don’t even get me started on how i embarrass her in the produce section. But it’s super awesome.

So anyway, this has been our “ritual” for years now and she would always smack my arm and then say “you know?, that’s elder abuse.”

Whatever lady.

So just last week we went to Long’s to pick up her prescriptions and for me to, um, pick up, *ahem* MONISTAT 3.

So i cruise the aisles and i’m looking then i see it and there’s a sign that says it’s on sale and there are three varieties to pick from so i grab one and head to the line. Because it’s bad having a yeast infection but then you really get gouged on the medicine so i thought BONUS that it was on sale. So i’m in line and it’s a huge line cuz there’s only one checker so i’m standing there and then another checker taps my shoulder and says, i can help you over here so i follow her. And four other people follow me. so she rings up my SINGLE purchase and the price is way different than on the shelf and before i even realize it i’m saying “the sign says it’s $13.99…”

OH
MY
GOD WHAT’SWRONGWITHME???!!!

So she says oh and immediately on the loudspeaker “JOSH, CAN I GET A PRICE CHECK ON MONISTAT 3 WITH THE BONUS ANTI-ITCH CRÈME…?”

And then she turns back around tapping the product on the counter just looking at me blankly, waiting and i’m standing there thinking omg just couldn’t pay full price could ya? Ass! And i can FEEEEEEL the annoying glares from the people behind me who thought they had escaped long line hell and then got stuck behind some broad who wouldn’t pay full price for her itchy yeasty vagina medicine.

So then josh comes running up with the sign and another box of monistat and says the date on this offer expired but go ahead and give her this price since we left the sign up.

Ack

So i meet up with gran and head out to the car and i’m laughing as i say to her “boy i bet you enjoyed that” and she says “what?” and i said that they announced a price check over the loudspeaker for monistat…” and she just started busted up laughing and she said “omg really?” MORE laughter.

i said “YES! You didn’t hear that?”

and she’s still laughing and says “oh no! i missed it!”

“i figured you set it up as revenge for all the times i harass you at the grocery store”

“I WISH!” pause “go back in and do it again!”

oh, another weird thing i saw today

i saw a honda hybrid vehicle with a "W '04" sticker

W
T
F?

strange day

today i planned to go have my ex-advisor sign an important paper so i can get some grant money hoohah straightened out. i planned it on tuesday. i bit the bullet. i said i'm doing it thursday. and i emailed for a meeting and he said he would be there.

so i said i would go

i told myself i would go

i was sick

but i pushed it down

so in my own fun and crazy way i deal with impending confrontation (doom) i dream about it all night.

ALL
NIGHT

ack

so i get up thinking about all the scenarios and i try to breath and calm myself. listen to the radio. NPR not calming me down with their iraq death toll and bush re-election scariness. so i reach a part of the trip where the freeway has four lanes and i'm driving along and i'm in the fast lane, to the far left and up ahead, like a strange dream, i see a grey car spin from the far right lane all the way across three lanes and i'm almost positive it's coming at me but for some reaon it spins back across the three lanes and comes to a rest when it hits the barrier past the shoulder separating the freeway from the side streets.

HOLY FUCK! i don't know how she didn't spin into my lane i swear it looked like her trajectory was into my lane and i slowed down considerably and actually went into the gravel in the median when i checked my rearview mirror to check that someone was't barreling into me from behind and when i looked back at the road (merely a split second) and i saw the car going back the other way. too fucking surreal. and, for fuck's sake i do not know how she spun into three lanes of traffic and back without getting hit at least once. i was so scared it was going to happen. but she ended up in the shoulder and i noticed all the traffic way back AND that noone was stopping. so i somehow managed to cross three lanes of NO traffic to pull over. i grabbed my cell phone and ran back to her car.

when i got there i saw she was on the phone already. i asked her if she was ok, and what happened? and do you have help coming. she said yes, and talked on the phone. then she got off the phone and talked to me. she was clearly freaked, understandably freaked. then her phone rang and she said "mom" and then busted into tears "i'm so sorry mom! i'm so sorry! yes i'm ok! i was changing lanes when this guy came out of nowhere so fast behind me and i panicked and overcorrected i'm so sorry about the car mom!" tons of tears. i really felt for her. and i felt awkward. 1000's of cars zooming by in four lanes, you can barely hear anything and she's crying on the phone to her mom. i realize her hazards aren't on so i reach in the car to turn them on and then i go to her and i say, are you sure you're ok? and she says yes she has help on the way and thank you so much for stopping. then she talks into the phone "what? hold on, what's your name?" i tell her and she says thank you so much again for stopping, starts crying again. i tell her it's ok, to take care and stay back as far as possible from the highway. and i head back to my car surrounded by the cacophany of the speeding cars and looking down at all the crap on the road.

i almost cried. i don't know why.

then as i exit the main highway and get on a two lane highway, and it's windy and goes down to a one-lane highway, i'm driving along and i'm behind about 15 cars and we're all winding around this highway and during passing lanes people jockey for a better position and then it resumes to being a one lane highway.

well as the road is curving to the left sharply i happen to see a gold luxurious car riding my ass. and then i look forward and i see all the cars veering to the right and braking. and i think SHIT! not again! and sure enough i come to a stop way on the shoulder of the road barely behind this large, new ford truck i check to see if the broad in the gold car is stopping. she did. then i see the truck guy in a shirt and tie jump out of the truck with his cell. irritated.

so i think i wonder if i can get around him and i see the gold car trying that move before me and i look at her like, um excuse me? so she backs off a bit. and as i pass in the other lane (eek) i see that the truck has plowed into a honda crv and a bit farther up an old lady in a buick (bumper untouched) has pulled over. i didn't see what happened because i was downhill and behind the truck on the curve and so from my little toyota all i saw was the big truck and the trees on both sides almost forming a canopy on the road right before i swerved right. i'm thinking though the old lady missed the turn or something and braked and caught everyone offguard and they all plowed into each other.

i didn't stop this time because i didn't see anything and i saw two of the three had cell phones so i passed them and thought

should i turn around? am i not SUPPOSED to go to the lab today to get this signature? lmao

but i went.

and you know what?

it was uneventful. he was cheerful. didn't argue. said he'd happily sign it. it's for the best. good luck.

i walked out thinking "wow. now when's the other shoe going to drop?"

snob...continued (2)

some examples of my boss' analness/compulsiveness/assyness:

he's the king of passive/aggressiveness and the backhanded compliment:

=> last year after only working there a month he says to me "it is such a pleasure to be able to talk to someone half as intelligent as i am" um, thanks? dick

=> like i said before, if you'll eat your lunch in about 15 mnutes or less then you don't have to subtract it from your timecard. well one day the other girl didn't bring her lunch and asks if she can go buy something to eat (we were extremely slow, it would have caused no harm whatsoever for her to leave for 10 minutes and then eat). he tells her that he has leftover pizza in his fridge that he probably wouldn't eat anyway and he goes down to get it. He brings it up to her and it's a small pizza with about 4 slices left in it. She asks me if I want a piece and i decline, trying to be a good girl that only puts healthy things in her mouth. So she nukes two pieces, eats them. Asks again if i want a piece. no thank you. she nukes the other two (may have only been one more - not really paying attention becuase i didn't think it was important) So she eats and why the fuck can't i get the italics off!! ggrrr
ok i think i fixed it...

anyway...he comes back in and acts all exasperated and says "what happened to the pizza??!!" and other girl says, "i ate it...?" and he turns to me and says "did you get any?" and i said "no, but..." "wow! you ate all that pizza yourself? wow that was a lot of pizza. i didn't know you were going to eat ALL of it." and of course now she's turning a little pink in the cheeks and says, "i'm sorry i thought you said you weren't going to eat it, and i told you i was starving, i didn't eat dinner last night and didn't eat breakfast and didn't realize how hungry i was. i would have gone and bought my own food but you said not to leave that you had pizza." he does a little backpedaling, "haha just kidding" kinda crap. that happened about 2 months ago and not one weekend goes by that he doesn't say something about the pizza. you know "i'm just kidding."

=> a small problem may arise. and i will figure out how to fix it. and i mean small problem. and he'll ask about it. and i'll explain what i did. and he just looks so pleased and amazed and says "wow, i just had no idea you could be
that clever." yeah, me smart. me use both thumbs.

=> one day he wanted to show me how to clean the porta potties. he goes through the routine of cleaning one and goes through a lot of detail in cleaning them (i say hose the fuckers out and let them dry, screw getting down on my hands and knees and scrubbing and then squeeeeging ACK!) so after he cleans one i take the other supplies and start to clean the third one while he cleans the second. "What are you doing?" "i'm going to clean this one." "no, just watch me." i watched him clean all four. he paid me $12/hour to watch him clean them. and i have yet to ever clean one in the year and a half i've worked there.

=> money. where to start... we have to write in our time on our time cards when we come in and when we leave. easy. he insists that we write it correctly to the minute. for example, if we were 3 minutes late we need to write that: 8:03. or if we work 17 minutes over write that: 5:17. he considers it lying and offensive and fraudulent to show up 3 minutes late but put down 8:00. which is, you know, bad but certainly not capitol offenses. but get this. say he calculates your time card and it comes out to $396.56. He only gives the $396. he doesn't do change. not that i give a shit about the 56 cents but you'd think if he was going to be all ANAL about three minutes he would give you your 56 cents. the other thing about money is that he doesn't count the drawer down at the end of the day like normal cash businesses do. for example if you start with $100 change in the drawer (including coins), then after the day's receipts are totalled and you count the drawer back to $100, then the extra should equal the day's total. right? of course i'm right! well, he doesn't do that. he just counts out a certain number of 10's, 5's, and 1's and puts them back in the drawer, then takes all the big bills, chekcs and credit receipts and puts them in a banker's bag. doesn't count the change, doesn't check the money taken in compared to the totals. nothing. well, he has this thing where if you buy something but say you don't have the cash on you he'll take it out of your pay. so write it on your time card. and then he'll calculate your pay and subtract whatever items you bought. which i think is a pretty cool thing to do but after many weeks of doing this one day he says, well did you ring it into the cash register? and i said no (thinking, um no fucker you've never made me do it before why would i do it today?) and he said "well, now the drawer's going to come up short." so trying to keep the "wtf are you talking about?" look off my face i turned around and rang it in the drawer.

=> which brings me to another thing! INVENTORY! the guy has no clue what's coming in or out of that store. he NEVER checks inventory before he makes purchases. OR dates. i swear it makes me nuts how much shit he throws away that got old. and if he would just look at the sales and the inventory he would know how much to order. but he just orders and FILLS the coolers or whatever and so about every week or so i sadly toss a whole bunch of shit away.