empty space

i've always been very different from everyone in my family. we're not a "close" family at all. in fact, it's a lot of niceties in your face, sarcastic and passive aggressiveness in your face, and outright snipey backstabbing when you're not around. it sucks. i remember growing up thinking ack i do NOT want to be like these people. especially my mother she was the worst.

and so i've often been told that i'm very transparent in my likes and dislikes of people. if i like you, you know it. if i don't know you or like you then, i'm not the kind of person who is able to be chatty or friendly without something to say. if that makes sense. i can talk to people, don't get me wrong. but i'm very guarded. (shuddup rookie)

so recently it's been hard because, now i have noone to talk to. i mean really talk to. it's hard going from having the kind of friendship with someone who literally was the only person who knew EVERYTHING about me to not having that anymore. there's no way to rebuild it once trust has been destroyed. and as i'm trying to get over the hurt i'm slowly feeling better until something really big happens, happy or sad. i mean events that happen that your first thought is oh my god i can't wait to talk to ******. and it sucks when that thought passes through my head and then i realize, oh, i can't.

like, when i found out my book was being published you'd think telling your grandma she would be happy, excited, proud. none of it. "oh really? hmm that's nice." it's like they don't even grasp what i do for a living or even care. it's so weird. i remember when i graduated with my bachelor's degree. it took me six years of working full time to get that. and the weeks leading up to and after graduation were so hard for me because i could see everyone i know so excited because their families were coming from all over the u.s. to see them graduate and they were having big parties thrown for them and getting all kinds of gifts, cars, stereos, trips. my sister, M, was bringing her husband and kids and gran and my little sis, S. and M said, oh we'll give you a party don't worry about anything. so i didn't. well they got there, went to my graduation and we went back to my house and my sister had nothing prepared. nothing. she hadn't brought anything she hadn't planned anything. and she said, it's no big deal i'll run to safeway now and get some stuff. i was so angry.

so i guess it's understandable that i've built a sort of family outside my family. i've chosen people to include in my life and get support from. for example, the brightside of my graduation was that my friend, E, came. which may not seem like that big of a deal, but he didn't tell me he was coming. he knew about it. and he drove 5 hours, parked slightly outside of town and rode his bike 3-4 miles to the spot on campus where the ceremony was taking place. my sister saw him and said "oh my god E! what are you doing here?" and he said "i wouldn't have missed this for the world!!" god it makes me cry a little just thinking about that. why can't my family be like that? i mean, even a LITTLE!??

ack

but anyway, i had a major moment last week that sparked all this thinking about this. i was sitting in my office and a really famous shark researcher pops his head in and says "you know aqua, i'm putting a proposal together to write a book about white sharks. would you be interested in illustrating it?"

*blink blink*

inside: "OMFG ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? YESYESYESYESEAJLSKFEW;QIOSDJKL WOOOOHOOOO WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO OMFG THIS IS THE GUY! THIS IS INCREDIBLE!"

outside, looking around for hidden camera "um, yeah, um, sure, yeah, seriously? um...uh, yeah."

and i wanted to run around the building and jump and hoot and holler and make a phone call. and then it hit me. and in a moment when i should have been so so so happy i got sad and it sucked.