she said she thought i'd hear it on the machine

Monkey and I have known each other four years now. It’s been in the last year or so that we’ve been discussing how we go our different ways. It’s hard to talk about but it had come down to the point of how would it work anyway. She’s never coming over here like we thought and she wants kids and I don’t. no matter how much she tried to convince me. I guess I figure, I’d done that. I had a lot of responsibility as a little kid taking care of my little sisters and trying to keep my stepdad from beating the crap out of us, or worse. It’s like I’m finally getting my chance at life doing what I want for myself. I had known that there was another gal more local to her that she met in another city. This other girl liked her and monkey apparently liked her back. Monkey’s been having problems with her arms with carpal-tunnel like syndromes but noone could diagnose her and she was getting frustrated not getting help and not being able to work or design on the computer. Then she told me she was moving to the city and she would be staying with her friend, K, for the first week and then looking for a place to stay. Well, I just found out the other day that she’s living with this other girl. Not WITH her but in a room in her flat. She didn’t tell me that. And of course I was a bit upset to learn that, that she didn’t tell me before she left even though she had a pretty good idea that this was going to happen. When I found that out I said “I didn’t know that. Why didn’t you tell me that?” She said “I thought you heard it on the machine.” I can’t even tell how much that hurt. That the one person in the world who I thought was so different than anyone else, someone so trustworthy, someone I let in to my life and my heart like noone else would do something so ordinary and sneaky. I had called to wish her a happy birthday and got a machine. I couldn’t even understand the outgoing message let alone the names that were supposedly on it and I even left a message saying “I hope I dialed the right number, I’m trying to reach monkey. Have her give me a call if she gets this message.” She called me back and I sang her happy birthday and she said you’re the first person to wish me happy birthday and we were talking more and I asked her if she was still at K’s house and she said no. and I said oh you found a place really quick and that’s when I find out she’s living in a room in this B’s flat. I felt crushed. I can’t even explain it. I guess I have no right because I knew we were just going to be friends but I never thought monkey of all people would be like other people. I really still expected her to be honest with me. I’m so much more hurt by the fact that she didn’t tell me before when she knew the whole time rather than hoping I would find out through the MACHINE. I probably shouldn’t be crying over this but I am. I can’t help it. And now I don’t even have my damn dog to go talk to and cry on her shoulder.