*sigh*

i came back from my research trip feeling really good and really successful. while there were a few snafus, i felt it went incredibly well, especially in light of last year's disaster.

i was really excited about the possibilities of the data, future publications and conferences and planning next year's trip. and i thought i have plenty of time and i'm motivated and i'm stoked and here i go.

and then i stopped. well, i didn't stop so much as i was stopped. i feel like i'm starting to feel slightly motivated again but i was so surprised how this whole thing with my dog really tore me up. i can't even tell you how much i loved that damn dog, how much she meant to me and brought me comfort and how incredibly fucking hard it was to put her to sleep after trying so hard to save her. and because i know she loved me so much. and trusted me. and she obediently followed me to her own death. it broke my heart.

when you imagine certain tragedies in life you have some sort of awareness that they would be difficult to deal with. and the kick in the gut i got when i realized that it was so much HARDER than i imagined (and i imagined it would be REALLY hard) and how it knocked the breath out of me.

i'm trying to get back. i'm trying to care about all the hard work i've done and i'm trying to achieve the best possible results from that, but it's like my heart's not in it. and i find everything to do but the things i'm supposed to be doing. or i do nothing. which is even more unheard of for me.