happy smoochie day

today is smooochie day in monkey's world...

well, actually, everyday is smoooooochie day to monkey and how i haven't killed her by now is startling...

oh...

was that out loud?

hee

ok, just kidding. but seriously, who is monkey?

well, monkey is a lass from australia. we met over three years ago. granted, we did meet online and i know quite a few people, in fact i could say that almost everyone i know (that i tell anything personal to) who i haven't met online doesn't get the "online thing."

and i don't either.

i could say, i didn't either, but in reality, i think i can still say, "i don't either" simply because I DON'T KNOW HOW SHE DID IT!

because for reals i totatlly hate people. and i'm quite frank about it. and normally anyone who breaks through my "tough" exterior is usually a manipulative fuck and IF i did let them in they crushed me beyond belief. and i'm only talking about 4 people here so that just shows you how tough i am.

when i first went online i was sooooo wary of it all and i was merely curious and wanted to explore the whole lesbian thing after my first girlfriend broke up with me. i needed to find out whether or not the fact that my ex and i told ourselves that "we weren't gay, we just loved the person we were with" was true.

when that relationship fell apart i went home. well, to the only home i knew. the town i grew up in;at the very least i hoped that i could stay with my grandma. but i stayed with my sister and after finally talking to her, it was clear to her that "gay" wasn't an option. it was ugly.

anyway, i did lots of things not good for me, like eating and drinking, in order for me to deal with that because i couldn't talk to anybody about it. and then i went online.

first just to read.

then i worked up the nerve to participate. and just to let you know my philosophy is "I TRUST NOONE!" and i ventured forth.

and after the initial nervousness and i met some cool people and then some turned out to be psycho. but a couple turned out to be very cool. and i have to say that two years later i'm very much in touch with two of them. one is an awesome friend. another is an awesome friend that is someone that i'm in a really weird committed non-commital commetment with.

her and i have never met. and that's something you can't tell alot of people. but the thing is over the last three years she has charmed me like you wouldn't believe. and she has done so over some major roadblocks.

because if i haven't said so before: I HATE PEOPLE

and somehow she got through that. that gigantic I HATE PEOPLE wall. but she did

and i still don't know how.

well, that's a lie.

she has the most kind and gentle and child-like heart there is. she is easily excited, she is creative, she is so patient with me i couldn't believe it. she captured me so much and over time she proved to be so incredibly consistent and faithful i couldn't doubt her at all.

she made me feel safe when noone else did. she made me believe in myself and encouraged me to express myself and she never failed to make me laugh, especially while she was laughing at herself; she laughed at herself so much i couldn't help but love her.

i still love her now. three years later.

i don't know exactly where we're heading. it's difficult this long distance thing. i could tell you so much about her and how natural it feels to have her in my life and how much she means to me, i just don't know if you would understand.

all i know is that she is my monkey. she loves me more than i knew someone could love me.

and i love her.

HAPPY SMOOCHIE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!