i still so totally kick ass at volleyball
which is a good thing, since i'm not kicking ass much in anything else i do! hee
well, it's not that bad but i am hella busy and yet i'm still procrastinating on major things. and i'm not even feeling stress about it. which is weird because usually what happens is i procrastinate and then the stress of the deadline really motivates me and i shit things out on time. but it's also a protection mechanism. duh. see, i'm a "perfectionist" but then i have this whole low self esteem thing so i'm afraid that even though i have to be "perfect" i'm constantly afraid i'll fail. so if i put everything off until the last minute and just throw it together quickly then i have an excuse if it fails.
sick
i know.
i've actually gotten much better and worked on doing things in a timely manner. but then sometimes i feel it's not always so much better than if i waited til the last minute. which is wrong! because if you really take your time and focus it should absolutely be better than if you just shit it out at the last minute. and this situation freaks me out much more.
the other thing is that i don't get that stressed feeling up against a deadline anymore. it's more of an apathetic feeling. which freaks me out even more! i feel like i've been beaten down by the game and i don't have that unbridled enthusiasm i used to have when i quit my job 10 years ago and said "i'm going to school! and i'm going to be a marine biologist! and noone is going to stop me!" and i guess i believed deep down that if someone lived their dream then so much of their life would improve dramatically. and it did for awhile. but i also realized, whereever you go, there you are. now, i realize i didn't invent that. but when you realize it, it hits you very hard. i also realized whereever you go, there they are. insert whoever you want for they: other human beings and their nasty human being characterisitics, your demons, your baggage, your fucked up family...on and on. that hits even harder.
don't get me wrong. i'm still soooo much happier and more settled in myself than i would ever have been if i had not been bumped in a different direction and changed my trajectory. i love what i do and i know i'm good at it (well some aspects more than others - i.e. i'm a master in the field and slogging through tons of hard work diving and doing research but unfortunately still retain my absolute hatred for anything bureaucratic and office-politic and inability to play nice with people who have no souls) and i don't want to change that at all. i want to keep doing what i do.
i know that part of it is that i'm still a little gun-shy about the last field season and the drama and lack of professorial support and the repercussions of that experience.
ok i've rambled enough and i have stats homework and about three research proposals (due) and a report (late) and a research permit application (late but NOT MY FAULT!) to take care of and because blogger sometimes scares me that i'm going to lose what i just spilt out of me i will press the publish post button and move on.
thank goodness for volleyball though.
well, it's not that bad but i am hella busy and yet i'm still procrastinating on major things. and i'm not even feeling stress about it. which is weird because usually what happens is i procrastinate and then the stress of the deadline really motivates me and i shit things out on time. but it's also a protection mechanism. duh. see, i'm a "perfectionist" but then i have this whole low self esteem thing so i'm afraid that even though i have to be "perfect" i'm constantly afraid i'll fail. so if i put everything off until the last minute and just throw it together quickly then i have an excuse if it fails.
sick
i know.
i've actually gotten much better and worked on doing things in a timely manner. but then sometimes i feel it's not always so much better than if i waited til the last minute. which is wrong! because if you really take your time and focus it should absolutely be better than if you just shit it out at the last minute. and this situation freaks me out much more.
the other thing is that i don't get that stressed feeling up against a deadline anymore. it's more of an apathetic feeling. which freaks me out even more! i feel like i've been beaten down by the game and i don't have that unbridled enthusiasm i used to have when i quit my job 10 years ago and said "i'm going to school! and i'm going to be a marine biologist! and noone is going to stop me!" and i guess i believed deep down that if someone lived their dream then so much of their life would improve dramatically. and it did for awhile. but i also realized, whereever you go, there you are. now, i realize i didn't invent that. but when you realize it, it hits you very hard. i also realized whereever you go, there they are. insert whoever you want for they: other human beings and their nasty human being characterisitics, your demons, your baggage, your fucked up family...on and on. that hits even harder.
don't get me wrong. i'm still soooo much happier and more settled in myself than i would ever have been if i had not been bumped in a different direction and changed my trajectory. i love what i do and i know i'm good at it (well some aspects more than others - i.e. i'm a master in the field and slogging through tons of hard work diving and doing research but unfortunately still retain my absolute hatred for anything bureaucratic and office-politic and inability to play nice with people who have no souls) and i don't want to change that at all. i want to keep doing what i do.
i know that part of it is that i'm still a little gun-shy about the last field season and the drama and lack of professorial support and the repercussions of that experience.
ok i've rambled enough and i have stats homework and about three research proposals (due) and a report (late) and a research permit application (late but NOT MY FAULT!) to take care of and because blogger sometimes scares me that i'm going to lose what i just spilt out of me i will press the publish post button and move on.
thank goodness for volleyball though.
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