reminiscing
Living in a “hidden” relationship is much harder than it seems. At first, i remember i was ok with it. in fact, it was exciting. Seeing her across the room, talking to other people and then she would glance at me and i could see in her face this private smile, a small indication that i would be the one going home with her, the one that would make love to her, to hold her. The one she loved.
But for many reasons, we couldn’t be open, but unfortunately, us living together left us open for innuendo and gossip. To me that was worse, but under no circumstances was she going to come clean about us. when it wasn’t exciting it was painful. Extremely painful.
I remember there was one incident that hammered this home to me, and i think it affected the rest of the time we were together.
While i would work at home or at the museum she would work in the office on the same campus. she still worked at the job she had when we met and i had graduated with my bachelors and wanted to continue working in mexico, as well as be with her. Once a month, part of her job would be to go out on the survey boat with the director and other students and do bird surveys of the islands. At one island the women got off the boat and were going to climb up this cliff to see if there were any nests on the flat plateau part. The island has always been difficult to land at and they were never able to see the top portion from the boat. So they tried to climb it.
The “easiest” place to ascend seemed to be the near vertical face so they started to climb up it and the boat took off to survey another island. One woman was up higher than my girlfriend when she encountered loose rocks, and her footing went out from under her and rocks started to pummel down on my girlfriend. The woman above tried to maintain her grip as long as possible but the rocks kept giving away and she finally started to fall. Instinctively she reached out for my girlfriend and grabbed her and started to pull her off too. my girlfriend lost her grip on the other woman and the other woman fell 10 meters to the rocks below. she laid there awhile and there was no way for my girlfriend or the other girl to get down quickly and they almost reached her when the woman started to move.
She was cut horribly but, surprisingly, no broken bones. The managed to scream enough to get the boat to come back (they had no radios) and they took the other woman to the hospital. When my girlfriend came home there was another woman there with me who’s son would play with my girlfriend’s kids. She walked in the door and right away i could tell something was wrong, and she started to tell us what happened. She was clearly upset and i could tell that if the other woman hadn’t been at the house she would have run to me to hold her. I could see the look on her face when she stopped herself.
But as she’s telling the story, i’m horrified how hurt she could have been. The other woman was my friend too, and i couldn’t believe that happened to her and i was so happy she was going to be ok, but, obviously i was concerned about my girlfriend more.
And later, when everyone was gone and the kids were in bed i held her as she cried and cried and cried. She was so scared. And it was hard to see her cry because she was so tough. I had known her for two years before she ever shed a tear for her husband who had passed away right before i met her. She would never allow herself to grieve because she had to be strong for her kids. So this was not like her to cry. This really shook her up. and it shook me up too, the thought that i could have lost her like that. and it also shook me up too because i started thinking about how unfair it was that her and i were in a committed relationship, we were in love with each other and yet because of how our relationship would be viewed by others i was not even allowed the simple act of comforting her when she needed me. and what if something were to have happened to her? What if she would have fallen and been injured? Noone would think to call me. i couldn’t be with her, not like her couple, i could probably be in the waiting room with everyone else, but i couldn’t be a part of taking care of her.
It scared me. it scared us both, but it didn’t scare her enough that she would change how we treated the relationship in public. I think it became the wedge that eventually drove us apart.
But for many reasons, we couldn’t be open, but unfortunately, us living together left us open for innuendo and gossip. To me that was worse, but under no circumstances was she going to come clean about us. when it wasn’t exciting it was painful. Extremely painful.
I remember there was one incident that hammered this home to me, and i think it affected the rest of the time we were together.
While i would work at home or at the museum she would work in the office on the same campus. she still worked at the job she had when we met and i had graduated with my bachelors and wanted to continue working in mexico, as well as be with her. Once a month, part of her job would be to go out on the survey boat with the director and other students and do bird surveys of the islands. At one island the women got off the boat and were going to climb up this cliff to see if there were any nests on the flat plateau part. The island has always been difficult to land at and they were never able to see the top portion from the boat. So they tried to climb it.
The “easiest” place to ascend seemed to be the near vertical face so they started to climb up it and the boat took off to survey another island. One woman was up higher than my girlfriend when she encountered loose rocks, and her footing went out from under her and rocks started to pummel down on my girlfriend. The woman above tried to maintain her grip as long as possible but the rocks kept giving away and she finally started to fall. Instinctively she reached out for my girlfriend and grabbed her and started to pull her off too. my girlfriend lost her grip on the other woman and the other woman fell 10 meters to the rocks below. she laid there awhile and there was no way for my girlfriend or the other girl to get down quickly and they almost reached her when the woman started to move.
She was cut horribly but, surprisingly, no broken bones. The managed to scream enough to get the boat to come back (they had no radios) and they took the other woman to the hospital. When my girlfriend came home there was another woman there with me who’s son would play with my girlfriend’s kids. She walked in the door and right away i could tell something was wrong, and she started to tell us what happened. She was clearly upset and i could tell that if the other woman hadn’t been at the house she would have run to me to hold her. I could see the look on her face when she stopped herself.
But as she’s telling the story, i’m horrified how hurt she could have been. The other woman was my friend too, and i couldn’t believe that happened to her and i was so happy she was going to be ok, but, obviously i was concerned about my girlfriend more.
And later, when everyone was gone and the kids were in bed i held her as she cried and cried and cried. She was so scared. And it was hard to see her cry because she was so tough. I had known her for two years before she ever shed a tear for her husband who had passed away right before i met her. She would never allow herself to grieve because she had to be strong for her kids. So this was not like her to cry. This really shook her up. and it shook me up too, the thought that i could have lost her like that. and it also shook me up too because i started thinking about how unfair it was that her and i were in a committed relationship, we were in love with each other and yet because of how our relationship would be viewed by others i was not even allowed the simple act of comforting her when she needed me. and what if something were to have happened to her? What if she would have fallen and been injured? Noone would think to call me. i couldn’t be with her, not like her couple, i could probably be in the waiting room with everyone else, but i couldn’t be a part of taking care of her.
It scared me. it scared us both, but it didn’t scare her enough that she would change how we treated the relationship in public. I think it became the wedge that eventually drove us apart.
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