tired of being tired

but at least i had no nightmares last night. that was pleasant.

the other nights were bad. with their nightmare baddy-ness. the first night (or early morning) it was awful. it was a kind of dream within a dream. i was not in my room but definitely in my grandma's house and i was on a bed that was not my real bed but in the dream it definitely felt like i was in my room and in my bed but none of it resembled my real room or bed in real life...make sense? no? heh

anyway, i was in the bed and i didn't have the blankets over my shoulders (in the dream) and then it felt like something invisible was grabbing me and holding me and i was thinking "SHIT! my shoulders arent' covered with the blankets no wonder it can grab me! always ALWAYS ALWAYS! cover your shoulders with the blankets." so i'm trying to yell for help and it's hurting me but in a weird way. i can feel it grabbing and it feels like when someone pinches your shoulder at your collarbone and it's like pinching a nerve or something and i can't make it stop and i'm trying to yell and then i guess i hear myself yelling/moaning in real life which wakes me up in my real bed and my real room and my shoulder feels weird and i lay there disoriented and upset and of course too freaked to fall back asleep.

why is it when you have a great dream and you go back to sleep right away you can't get right back to what was happening in the great dream (especially sex dreams) but when you fall right back asleep after a nightmare you go RIGHT BACK INTO THE GODDAMN NIGHTMARE!??? NOT FAIR I TELL YOU!

so i laid there awhile scared and trying not to fall back asleep right away afraid i'll go back in to the nightmare but i'm sooooooo tiiiiiiirrrred.

so then the next night i'm having another bad dream. kinda the same situation where nothing in my dream looks like it does in my real life but for some reason i recognize that it is my old house. it's a very weird thing to explain. anyway, someone is trying to kill me. i don't know them but they keep attacking me and i keep fending them off and i'm trying to get people to help me. like hey this crazy person is attacking me look please help and like my mom and people don't believe me, even though in the dream they're watching this crazy person attack me too. so it's weird. so finally the person comes back and is in more a monster form but it's them and they try to attack me but this time i reach and there are arrows. no bow but just arrows and i stab this thing over and over and it's not fighting me at all now just letting me stab it and it's looking at me like why are you killing me? and it dies and i'm standing there feeling awful. like omg you were attacking me and i'm scared of you and you keep coming back but then it just let me kill it. and i'm thinking why did it just let me kill it? what's going on here?

so i woke up all freaked out and disoriented and feeling like i really killed someone. very unsettling.

so last night no bad dreams but not any good sleep either. and so now i'm like probably a week or so behind on my sleep and i'm just so tired. no energy. no motivation. i don't even have the energy or motivation to do my normal procrastinating things like read. i start to read and i'm like meh. which is odd for me. i like to read things i don't need to read. heh