how does this feel?

i don't know.

i passed.

i fucking passed. i still can't believe i can say those words.

it's so hard to explain. part of me is delirious. part of me is happy. part of me is numb. part of me is in shock. relieved, tired, frustrated...

and i don't think i could ever fully explain how scared i was going in. and i know that the fact that i passed, and the comments by people, "oh we knew you would pass" i still find that hard to believe. i mean, i had to pass. i had to. not passing would have destroyed me. i couldn't imagine a life not doing what i do now. and that scares me. i have worked so hard for so long to get to this point that at this point to lose it would be too much for me to handle. and i think (ok, i KNOW - because other people are going to call me on that!) i focused more on that, than on my own abilities.

i don't know why i do that. but i'm not sure it's something that i can fix right now. i want to fix it, and i guess right now i'm feeling very cognizant of it. and i think this experience has taught me alot.

seriously.

so fucking cliche, but seriously. not just the exam, but studying for the exam, and interacting with some really great people who were really pulling for me. i honestly don't think i could have done as well without them. and that's important too. because i've done all this shit on my own. for years. and for a long time i thought that that, in and of itself, was an accomplishment, and it is. but i also realized it put quite a chip on my shoulder.

anyway, i have more thoughts on this. but i'm tired and i have to go to a seminar. and then i'm going home to sleep. and i can sleep without nightmares of impending doom. i'm hoping i can sleep like someone who is very proud of themselves. but i haven't achieved that status for myself yet. i'm too scared to embrace it yet. afraid of the other shoe dropping...like i always think it's going to. i'm very good at my "job" i just need to be better at working on myself.