this sucks
i don't know why - we're at it again...i hate it. i hate not talking to her. but i also hate feeling like she doesn't understand me anymore. or pay attention to her own instructions that she has given me on how to communicate. i know when we first met i got mad at her for a couple things and i BLEW UP. and i've done that in the past. because i've just let small things build, small things build, small things build until finally it's a million small things and i can't hold it in anymore and i BLOW UP.
and i hate it. i know where it comes from. i know why i do it. and i hate it because in spite of knowing where it comes from it's so ingrained in me that it's habit, it's a reaction, the neural paths are set. and i didn't blow up at someone. i would never let many people that close to me. so when things would build i would blow up at myself. destroy myself. i would let those voices that told me how stupid and worthless and ugly take control of me and i would want to die. sometimes i did blow up at someone that i was close to. and i would push them away.
so now with her, i've tried real hard to communicate with her. to talk to her about the little things BEFORE they upset me, and THAT starts a fight. and it's so upsetting to me because i remember when we first started talking, she was so kind, so patient, so compassionate, that's what drew me to her. i felt safe with her and i opened up to her. and she was incredibly patient, and incredibly kind and now i feel completely vulnerable to her and so when i feel these little hurts they cut deeper when they come from her because i've never let someone this far in. as far in as i've let her. and i try to tell her. and it sucks because before i could talk to her and she would say hey it's ok. or i'm sorry if i upset you i didn't mean to. and i know she didn't but that didn't mean i wasn't upset. but now if i say to her you know, that thing you said makes me upset, she gets defensive. and sometimes it's small and she tells me i'm blowing it out of proportion. and i think, YEAH, it's SMALL NOW, but i'm trying to tell you before it becomes BIG to me. and i BLOW UP. AND RUIN THIS FUCKING RELATIONSHIP.
and i swear when she does that to me. when i tell her, hey, that hurt my feelings, or hey don't say that and she says you're blowing it out of proportion or that's crap. i feel myself pulling away from her. i feel myself closing off to her. because when she contradicts to me the VERY WAYS in which she showed me how to deal with things, i lose faith in her. and because i've never had so much faith in another human being in my life it feels devastating.
because i've been alone. i've been alone my entire life. even in the presence of my family i was alone. and i learned ways to survive. i learned ways to hide, or avoid them, or to close tiny parts of myself off to them so they couldn't hurt me so much with their words, or their swinging fists, or their swinging belts. and i can be alone. i know how to do that. i know how to cut myself off from the world and interpersonal connection. i know how to move about in it and be productive but not let people near me, inside me. i'm very good at that. i could give classes.
and i hate it. i know where it comes from. i know why i do it. and i hate it because in spite of knowing where it comes from it's so ingrained in me that it's habit, it's a reaction, the neural paths are set. and i didn't blow up at someone. i would never let many people that close to me. so when things would build i would blow up at myself. destroy myself. i would let those voices that told me how stupid and worthless and ugly take control of me and i would want to die. sometimes i did blow up at someone that i was close to. and i would push them away.
so now with her, i've tried real hard to communicate with her. to talk to her about the little things BEFORE they upset me, and THAT starts a fight. and it's so upsetting to me because i remember when we first started talking, she was so kind, so patient, so compassionate, that's what drew me to her. i felt safe with her and i opened up to her. and she was incredibly patient, and incredibly kind and now i feel completely vulnerable to her and so when i feel these little hurts they cut deeper when they come from her because i've never let someone this far in. as far in as i've let her. and i try to tell her. and it sucks because before i could talk to her and she would say hey it's ok. or i'm sorry if i upset you i didn't mean to. and i know she didn't but that didn't mean i wasn't upset. but now if i say to her you know, that thing you said makes me upset, she gets defensive. and sometimes it's small and she tells me i'm blowing it out of proportion. and i think, YEAH, it's SMALL NOW, but i'm trying to tell you before it becomes BIG to me. and i BLOW UP. AND RUIN THIS FUCKING RELATIONSHIP.
and i swear when she does that to me. when i tell her, hey, that hurt my feelings, or hey don't say that and she says you're blowing it out of proportion or that's crap. i feel myself pulling away from her. i feel myself closing off to her. because when she contradicts to me the VERY WAYS in which she showed me how to deal with things, i lose faith in her. and because i've never had so much faith in another human being in my life it feels devastating.
because i've been alone. i've been alone my entire life. even in the presence of my family i was alone. and i learned ways to survive. i learned ways to hide, or avoid them, or to close tiny parts of myself off to them so they couldn't hurt me so much with their words, or their swinging fists, or their swinging belts. and i can be alone. i know how to do that. i know how to cut myself off from the world and interpersonal connection. i know how to move about in it and be productive but not let people near me, inside me. i'm very good at that. i could give classes.
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